6 months, 500 followers, minus the most important

It’s a bittersweet day today.

Y’all know that I’ve been angry recently. At Johnny Id, specifically, but it’s definitely exacerbated by the other shit going on in my life.

Those of you familiar with Elisabeth Kübler-Ross probably aren’t surprised. I shouldn’t be surprised either, given my past education and work experience. You can take a look at the graphic if you aren’t familiar with the stages of grief. What is hard to show in 2D is the fact that it’s often not just steady progress forward. Often, something happens that makes us regress.

Fundamentally, I’m grieving the loss of the relationship I had with Johnny.

And then three things happened in the last 24 hours, and now my brain is a jumble of emotions. The most predominant as I write this, is sad.

1) I reached 500 followers.

Yay me. I’m not sure when this will stop feeling weird. I don’t believe in false modesty, so it’s sincere when I say: I never for a moment thought I would get here, especially since it was never a goal of mine. I’m deeply, deeply honored that there are so many of you who are along for the ride. But absolutely, it’s thrilling I got there in the seven months I’ve been blogging on a regular basis.

And yes, I know, some of them are spammers. And some just want to sell me stuff.

Because of that, I tend to look at views more than followers, because to be blunt, it doesn’t mean much to have someone click a button once but never read what you write. But what really matters is there are many of you who are here, always, and that means so much to me.

You are no Greek chorus. You provide feedback, differing opinions, and insight I never got from those journals filled with just my handwriting.

2) I lost my most important follower.

Johnny Id left WordPress yesterday. He was going to give it another day, but I suspect my being angry and potentially putting up something he found hurtful accelerated his departure.

I can’t help but feel bad about that, but I do know he had been planning on doing it for a while, to focus on other writing he is doing.

It makes me sad. Although we didn’t often comment on each others posts – trying to avoid a large volume of saccharine lovey-dovey stuff which neither of us are particularly fond of – we were always there. Reading each others drafts in advance and providing feedback, reading everything, including all comments, talking about what we’ve written. Talking about what we read on others blogs and the bloggers that wrote them.

I am really going to miss him here, and I know I’m not alone in saying it. He built a huge following.

3) It’s our 6-month Anniversary

Exactly 6 months ago today, I received my first email from Johnny. It was in response to a post I’d written about the Giant. I’ve written about it – just go to Johnny’s page and you’ll see it there.

To celebrate our 6-month Anniversary, he sent me a book written by the founder of OKCupid, which we had discussed a few times (the statistics on their blog, specifically). It showed up on my doorstep the morning I got home from my overnight with Jason. Ah, the irony.

Things have forever changed between us. Not necessarily ended, but changed. I feel in this moment like the beautiful amazing romance we had is over. Now we are in the reality of something that has damage, baggage, issues to resolve. Yes, I can hear some of you now – welcome to the real world, Ann.

I don’t like that real world. I like the world I inhabited with him which was nothing like anything else I’d ever experienced…where there was someone who knew my innermost fears, secrets, fantasies, and loved me anyway. Because of them, not despite them. Who supported me in everything I did.

Who supported me even to his detriment. Who allowed me to be in the place I need to be right now. Both which ultimately, led to the end of the world I was in.

And that, my friends, makes me so profoundly sad today.

0 thoughts on “6 months, 500 followers, minus the most important

  1. I am sorry that he has already left. While that helps a little with you being able to continue to use this space like you need to, the loss is still there. I think I said last time the blog world is a small one, and while that hurts, it also helps depending on which stage of grief you are at.

    I put a lot of significance into dates and numbers in general,so I understand completely on the other two items as well.

    (((Hugs)) and I am very happy to be one of your 500 who isn’t trying to sell fake nikes or who knows what nowadays.

    • I’m glad you aren’t trying to sell me anything either!! One day last week I had 60 spam messages…never had anything like it before.

      Yes, I’m learning how small the blog world is, which seems a bit crazy to me.

      Thanks for your support.

  2. I could add my ditto to the above list, I could be a message or call away. Challenges can be stumbling blocks or stepping stones, depends on whether you have the desire to pick up your feet. Hugs

    • Well, it may not have ended. But we definitely need to take a pause and figure out what’s right for each of us, individually. We’ve decided to take a few days off from communicating with one another…and we’ll see what happens after that. There hasn’t been a single day I haven’t communicated with him in 6 months…so even just a few days will be strange.

  3. Congratulations Ann. Actually just happens you have an interesting life.
    For what it’s worth I’ve read what Johnny wrote yesterday and as a man my guess is that he is confused about his motives. His answer that you could post anything you want sound like a permission but I’m sure that wasn’t his idea. Those things happens when someone is not acknowledging some truth from oneself.
    At least I played that dumb when I couldn’t accept that I was in love with a French girl. I said to her analogue things (“I suggest you those places to get guys”, “do anything you want”, “I’m busy I don’t want to talk and I’m not interested in the chat”) Fortunately I hope she has get something better and I hope your issue with Johnny is different from mine an it’s just a tough (momentary) confusion.

    • Thanks Francis. We’ve taken a bit of time to just go silent, so I hope he can take the time to really step back and think about what he wants and needs. Of course, I’m doing the same thing.

      I think he wants to believe all those things he says, but the reality is a bit different.

      I appreciate your support.

  4. Firstly I agree about the ‘spammers’ and the ‘followers’ bit, and also look more at views, and mainly at comments, because those are the people who are really listening. As to losing your most important follower. That sucks, of course, and all I can do is wave in sympathy. I’ve tasted a fairly concentrated brew of isolation recently, and I know its not fun to drink. Hopefully something pleasenter will come along soon

  5. What an odd emotional day for you, Ann. Time heals. That graphic is so valid. My family is still going through that with a loss of a dear family member a few months ago…the third one in successive years.

  6. This sucks so bad 🙁 life is real cruel sometimes. But it’ll all work out in the end (either you’ll get back together or you’ll both move on and be happy).

    Rest assured, you’ve got a lot of caring friends on here who are happy to listen, chat and get you feeling your best again 🙂 onward and upward sunshine!

  7. I kind of like my spammers. I’m mostly flattered that I am getting popular enough to be getting spammed at all. Nothing better than being forcibly told about Cialis over and over again.

    As for the rest of it, I think I am pretty terrible at making people feel better. Especially over relationship stuff. My motto is that you are probably better off. I know it doesn’t really make sense. But it has proven true thus far.

    Every time a friend is sad over a relationship ending, I tell them that. And then, sometimes weeks or months later, they tell me I was right. I don’t know if that helps. I hope it does and I am not just being an insensitive jerk.

    • Well, I think we all want to believe that we are better off, when something bad happens to us. For sure, we *should* learn from these experiences. But generally I don’t think it’s always true.

      But I totally understand why we say it, and convince ourselves it’s true. Regret is not a great thing to experience.

  8. Bittersweet.

    Huge smooshy hugs to you.

    If you do need an ear you know where to find me.

    Things will get better – not that it helps right now though, I know.

    xo

  9. Pingback: 500 (and 1) FOLLOWERS! | iBLOGalot

      • Hmmm, you should I have. Maybe you just didn’t see it? It’s not like you get email notification, that little image that I showed on mine just shows up in the little top right corner when in your dashboard, the same where it shows new comments and Likes. I just happened to be online and in my dashboard when it popped up. You get way more comments than I do. So if you hit 500 while you were offline or asleep and then you logged back in the notice of 500 followers may have already been pushed down below notices of new comments and you didn’t notice it? If you look up your archive you’ll probably see it.

  10. While I appreciate the followers, I also tend to pay more attention to the number of views. It wasn’t until a year blogging when I realised that people can actually press the like button on the reader without actually reading the post.
    It’s a very bitter sweet situation, I understand only too well, Ann. My own experiences of grief can take me through all those stages and back again, all in the same day!
    PS You should’ve received notice of 500 followers, usually in the archive of messages. I’m sure there’s also a little badge that you can display on a widget.

  11. catching up after traveling the globe….yes, very familiar with Elizabeth Kubler Ross and the stages of grief. And you are right, people flow between each stage and sometimes back again depending on everything that’s happening in their own life as well as a trigger than can come at any time. I ache for the loss of the relationship you started with JohnnyId, don’t we all strive for that kind of freedom, safety, mutuality? But I continue to be moved by your absolute, determination to find your way, to explore the facets of your personality that was stifled for so long. Timing is everything and maybe, the new chapter for the two of you will be better, in the long run. Thank you for sharing with us.

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