It’s a bittersweet day today.
Y’all know that I’ve been angry recently. At Johnny Id, specifically, but it’s definitely exacerbated by the other shit going on in my life.
Those of you familiar with Elisabeth Kübler-Ross probably aren’t surprised. I shouldn’t be surprised either, given my past education and work experience. You can take a look at the graphic if you aren’t familiar with the stages of grief. What is hard to show in 2D is the fact that it’s often not just steady progress forward. Often, something happens that makes us regress.
Fundamentally, I’m grieving the loss of the relationship I had with Johnny.
And then three things happened in the last 24 hours, and now my brain is a jumble of emotions. The most predominant as I write this, is sad.
1) I reached 500 followers.
Yay me. I’m not sure when this will stop feeling weird. I don’t believe in false modesty, so it’s sincere when I say: I never for a moment thought I would get here, especially since it was never a goal of mine. I’m deeply, deeply honored that there are so many of you who are along for the ride. But absolutely, it’s thrilling I got there in the seven months I’ve been blogging on a regular basis.
And yes, I know, some of them are spammers. And some just want to sell me stuff.
Because of that, I tend to look at views more than followers, because to be blunt, it doesn’t mean much to have someone click a button once but never read what you write. But what really matters is there are many of you who are here, always, and that means so much to me.
You are no Greek chorus. You provide feedback, differing opinions, and insight I never got from those journals filled with just my handwriting.
2) I lost my most important follower.
Johnny Id left WordPress yesterday. He was going to give it another day, but I suspect my being angry and potentially putting up something he found hurtful accelerated his departure.
I can’t help but feel bad about that, but I do know he had been planning on doing it for a while, to focus on other writing he is doing.
It makes me sad. Although we didn’t often comment on each others posts – trying to avoid a large volume of saccharine lovey-dovey stuff which neither of us are particularly fond of – we were always there. Reading each others drafts in advance and providing feedback, reading everything, including all comments, talking about what we’ve written. Talking about what we read on others blogs and the bloggers that wrote them.
I am really going to miss him here, and I know I’m not alone in saying it. He built a huge following.
3) It’s our 6-month Anniversary
Exactly 6 months ago today, I received my first email from Johnny. It was in response to a post I’d written about the Giant. I’ve written about it – just go to Johnny’s page and you’ll see it there.
To celebrate our 6-month Anniversary, he sent me a book written by the founder of OKCupid, which we had discussed a few times (the statistics on their blog, specifically). It showed up on my doorstep the morning I got home from my overnight with Jason. Ah, the irony.
Things have forever changed between us. Not necessarily ended, but changed. I feel in this moment like the beautiful amazing romance we had is over. Now we are in the reality of something that has damage, baggage, issues to resolve. Yes, I can hear some of you now – welcome to the real world, Ann.
I don’t like that real world. I like the world I inhabited with him which was nothing like anything else I’d ever experienced…where there was someone who knew my innermost fears, secrets, fantasies, and loved me anyway. Because of them, not despite them. Who supported me in everything I did.
Who supported me even to his detriment. Who allowed me to be in the place I need to be right now. Both which ultimately, led to the end of the world I was in.
And that, my friends, makes me so profoundly sad today.