Why you should f*ck your partner every day

ManyΒ of you have probably heard about the Reddit user who posted a picture of a spreadsheet her husband gave to her that listed, over a month, all the excuses she had for not having sex. For the record, they did have sex 3 times over that period.

He’s being lambasted everywhere, even on a few blogs I’ve read. Women are saying he’s an asshole.

But you know what? I think it’s brilliant.

I have written a bit about my role in ending up in a sexless marriage. It’s a hard fact to face. But there was a point in time when it was mostly me. I was angry, and hurt, and the bottom line was, I didn’t want to have sex with my husband anymore.

I was the wife saying no, ALL THE TIME.

We fought about it often. I would deny how long it had been. I would try to defend my reasons. I couldn’t face the impact it was having on my husband’s esteem and ultimately, on mine as well. And probably the worst of all, I thought that all the other things in our marriage would make up for the lack of sex. I denied how important it was, because I didn’t want to face how important it was.

I’m not suggesting that a spreadsheet would have fixed anything, but I wouldn’t have been able to deny that it was happening. Of course that woman is upset with her husband – she’s been caught out.

I see the same situation played out over and over again, both with my real life and my blogging friends. However, most of my blogging friends are the husbands. Desperately wanting their wives to be the ones they have sex with, and being turned down over and over again. Turned down for television. For not feeling well. For having to get up early. For being tired. Resentful. Angry. Irritated. Sore. Or just because he asked.

Why are we (women) so incredibly stupid?

The advice out there is horrible. Tells men to do chores, women to stop nagging. Like it will solve the fundamental problems that lead to a lack of intimacy. It certainly wouldn’t have helped me.

My biggest fear in my next relationship? That it will end up the same way.

So…here’s what I plan to do the next time around: Fuck every. single. day.

I’m not so naive to think that there won’t be disagreements. Days I am peeved, or feeling fat, or tired. But here’s the thing. Habits are really important. And they are hard to break. If you let the disagreements and anger and resentment creep into your sex life, it’s not a big shocker that your sex life falters.

I am convinced that if I start a relationship having sex every single day, no matter when I am feeling those things, we will always have that physical connection. Once it’s gone, it’s damn hard to get back. Of course, there may reasonably be a night when you can’t. Friends of mine have a “5 of 7” rule; they must have sex at least 5 of 7 days of the week. They have been together for almost 25 years and it works for them amazingly well.

Now…I just need a relationship with a man who’s actually in the same city. We are working on it. I’ll be sure to keep you posted.

0 thoughts on “Why you should f*ck your partner every day

  1. mmm…… I think that there is truth in your words.

    …… Now apply this wisdom IRL …… i’m working on it. I get wife points for that right? But it needs to come from both sides. Realationships are always a two way street.

    • I’m glad you think there is truth!!

      I wasn’t going to try to tackle how to get sex back into a marriage where there isn’t any…that’s a whole other thing I think. But trying for frequency, no matter what, could work if both partners are willing. It’s that which is the issue, methinks.

      And good on you for trying!

  2. Ooh the times I bummed out and seriously when ever I had a bad day she finally got in the naughty groove. No kidding

    Sex we do need, not suggesting it is the number one priority. But as mentioned above it works both ways.

    Fuck I need to start internet dating as well I think.

    • Internet dating…are you sure?!

      I think I got caught in the “it’s not the #1 priority” thinking…because sure, how can you say it is? But after my experiences, I propose it just might be…assuming you have the basics. Like Maslow’s hierarchy of relationships, perhaps. Because if the sex is broken…well, we know what happens.

      • Not number one but a very good and strong second.
        Sex is sticky and therefore the glue.

        And about the online dating not till i get my shit together. But do love me some sex.

          • Thank you so kindly for the tip..

            True love I will still be that hopeless romantic even after the last ship sank very deep last time.
            It is weird though how someone can miss a cuddle more than the sex itself

          • I actually agree about missing the cuddling as much as the sex, but I think that’s part of the equation. Physical intimacy is vital, the cuddling, the kissing, etc. The sex every day rule basically means physical intimacy everyday, which I think is a fantastic idea.

            Another rule that might help couples maintain intimacy would be a “no clothes in bed” rule. Skin to skin.

          • No clothes is easy for me LOL hell been sleeping naked for a … … okay okay never mind a long long time

            Sure thing that the physical part is a great deal in a relationship. Any kind.

            Cheers mate!

        • Women would probably be surprised, but our number one is love. Sex is number 2. Work number 3. Family number 4. It can vary between the individuals obviously, but I think we’d all love to have love and sex as our first priorities. Mind you we most of the time have to choose one, and the other one goes to the bottom of the list… Then women complain… and men cheat…

          I think most women do: 1-love 2-family 3-work 4-sex … and that’s when things go wrong…

          I hope I’m wrong. So far, never have…

          • I think women deprioritize sex and intimacy when they are overwhelmed with family obligations and they don’t feel appreciated. At least, it seems to be a common refrain from my married female friends.

  3. I glanced at that spreadsheet and if I remember correctly, they did get jiggy a couple of times. What isn’t explained is the wider context, are they in their early twenties newly married or late fifties with financial problems and illness? Either of those scenarios and all in between put a different take on it.

    Also the next bit is the approach. Saying no to someone you don’t want to have sex with is your basic right, exploring why it’s no is the next step to determining the future of the relationship. Sharing the reasons for no and coming to a shared mutual decision on how to solve the problem is the most important aspect of a relationship.

    • Yes, they did have sex 3 times. Way more that I had in a month, when things were really bad.

      Sure, I hear you…there’s no broader context. But my point is that you should not let that stuff get in the way – there is always an excuse. Stress, financial troubles, post-pregnancy fat. Establish the pattern before the reasons not to have sex crop up.

      So serious illness aside, or abusive relationships, my whole point is just do it. And of course, you have a right to say no…I’m not suggesting you don’t)… For sure, explore why you don’t want to. Communication is important. But I came up with years and years of rational excuses.

      How can a man argue with a wife who says she’s not feeling good because of PMS? Or she’s worried about the kids? He sounds like an ass… so we put men in very difficult positition (and yes, I know the reverse also happens).

      • Not letting stuff get in the way: tricky. It creeps up and catches you in its net and before you know it.

        I agree with your point, just do it.

        I would disagree that men are put in a difficult position, empathy and understanding are the two main aids to resolving an imbalance in sexual relations. I would say that the onus was on the spreadsheet author to uncover the reasons why his missus didn’t want a boning and then alter his own position to come more into alignment with his wife.

        If I presented a spreadsheet like that to my wife, I’d be a chump to expect a blowjob that evening or for a fair few afterwards.

        Illness aside (and periods/pms) in our relationship I would use lack of sex for greater than a week to ten days as a litmus for hidden problems and issues and would try to bring them to the fore.

        I commend you though for wanting to do a 365 days of sex…

        • I will let the men respond to your comment about whether they are in a difficult position…I hear the reasons their wives give them, and they really have no ability to challenge them. Of course, they are reflective of deeper root cause issues.

          And to clarify…it’s not a “one year” thing…I’m suggesting in my next relationship, it will be from the very beginning, all the time, in whatever pattern is right for me and my partner πŸ™‚

          Thanks for your comments!!

  4. Well said, Ann. While sex isn’t the number 1 priority, intimacy in and of itself should be. I think, more often than not, couples just become complacent in their relationship. They allow other things to get in the way of their intimacy, and not having that intimacy leads to a decline in communication, amongst other things.

  5. I agree one hundred percent, totally, hand to heart, amen! Sex every day, it’s a revolutionary, wonderful, relationship changing concept!

    I am 100% on board, absolutely. Now, we just have to figure out the pesky distance issue. πŸ˜‰

  6. Every single day? Dang, that could be a lot of pressure for either partner (and unlike woman, men can’t “fake it”, y’know?). And then it feels like a chore, rather than something pleasurable.

    • Well, for me, yes…I would want at least a “5 of 7” rule… but do suggest it needs to be whatever is the right frequency for you and your partner. The whole point is to start that way, and continue that way, pretty much no matter what.

      And sure, some days you may not want to…but that’s exactly my point…if you can make it part of just what you do as a couple, then you remove the risk that it just slowly dies a slow death.

  7. I think this is a great idea. In my marriage, I was the one getting turned down all the time. My husband alway had an excuse. It was soul crushing. I think sex everyday would lead to a much healthier relationship next time.

    • Soul crushing is the right term for it, for sure. I hate to have been the one to do it to my ex…we each took our turns…but it was horrible. It was absolutely a major part of the ultimate breakdown of our marriage.

  8. Doggy style is the most common sexual positions for couples married too long: the man begs and the woman rolls over and plays dead.

    Seriously though, I’ve always thought of sex as the glue that binds a couple and it serves as a barometer in that if your other half isn’t into it, then you know there’s something on their mind. I think if one partner refuses to, it usually hints at a loss of respect because of something. Talk it over and make-up whoopee will be great, better than aforementioned doggy-style.

    • I think the timeline for “talking about it” is key. All too often, it doesn’t get addressed and then (as all the blogs, books, etc would attest) it’s way too late…and incredibly difficult to undo.

  9. I had a friend who said “Sex – not important enough to make a priority to have it regularly, but important enough to end a relationship over if it’s found elsewhere.” And as much as I hate to say it, it’s true. The only time many people prioritize sex is when they find out their partner has looked for it elsewhere because their needs weren’t being met. Then, rather then saying, geez, why wasn’t I meeting my partner’s clear, communicated needs, they instead blame their partner for having those needs in the first place. It’s ridiculous.

    I can say this, sex is vital to a healthy relationship. Even if a relationship is totally awesome in all other aspects, not meeting that need for sexual intimacy WILL destroy it all, eventually. We know this. We see this. How many couples have ALL of us seen where things seemed perfect and then suddenly fell apart when it was revealed that one or the other was having sex on the side? And yet despite this, SO many people make sex the absolute last thing on their priority list. Under everything, last in line, an afterthought at best. Less important than a television show.

    And that is the true poison in the well. When your spouse’s needs aren’t even high enough on your priority list to pause a fucking television show, ESPECIALLY in the day and age of DVR’s, Hulu, Amazon, Netflix…well guess what. They are going to quit waiting and find what they need elsewhere. And when that happens, if you’re the person who pushed them off…then you need to take the lion’s share of the blame.

      • Exactly. And that’s why I hate, HATE the whole “it’s not a top priority” mindset. It’s high enough that the seeker, especially if its a man, is a villain for finding it elsewhere, but not so much that the partner would make the effort to see him or her satisfied in the first place.

      • oh I don’t know. Many of us here seem to get it handed to us equally by a particular arachnid wannabe. In all seriousness though, excellent post and reading the comments only makes it resonate more.
        As usual, thank you for the spot on delivery.

  10. No point in forcing yourself to have sex. I think sometimes we forget to acknowledge the real, underlying reasons for not having sex. There could be a physical discrepancy, deep resentment, or even simply a loss of time. I think it’s rather funny, he was documenting her given reasons.

  11. Well, this dude sounded like a prick to me, but not because he kept a spreadsheet, because of the way he informed her of it. Left for a business trip then sent it in an e-mail saying he wouldn’t miss her at all. That’s pretty fucked up.

    If you’re unhappy with the frequency of sex you need to talk to your partner about it. Maybe he could’ve just sat down and said, listen, I’ve kept a log and we’ve only had sex three times in the last ______, can we step it up a bit?

    Maybe he didn’t think that would work and wanted to get her attention. And he certainly did. But still, total dick move. And passive aggressive. I imagine this guy is an accountant of some kind.

    I think every couple needs to determine what’s right for them. I totally get what you’re saying about intimacy but every day might not work for every couple. Not even the men.

    Nevertheless, communication (as always, right) is important here. Doesn’t work keeping it all bottled up, because then shit ends up on Reddit and the whole entire world knows about your sad sex life.

    • Yes, I *do* agree that the method of the delivery was incredibly dick-ish. Although we don’t know what he tried before this…perhaps he did try talking to her and she just turned “Friends” up even louder. I hear so many women talk about how they get super annoyed that they are asked for sex every day. They turn down their husbands constantly (I’ve been one of them, so I speak from experience) and then are the same ones screaming from the rooftops that he wandered. (and yes, I’m simplifying for the sake of the argument…)

      I have counselled several girlfriends to just have sex (they like sex, to be clear…it’s just they are annoyed he hasn’t emptied the dishwasher, etc) and in parallel, deal with the underlying issues. But better their husband is still asking them. When they stop, there’s real trouble.

      And yes, fully agree that you need to set a frequency that works. At the beginning of your relationship – that’s the point I’m trying to make. It’s really hard to do it after hurts and injuries and children come along.

  12. I had sex with my wife 4 times all of last year. I’ve been dismissed for a good book, or reality television shows, along with the ‘don’t feel like it’ and ‘i’m too tired’ sort of reasons. Of course, what I ended up doing was stepping out a few times. Since then I’ve tried to revive it, and finally forced discussions on the matter, which were very tense, but productive… for a while. But in the span of the last 3 months I’ve had more physical contact with the wife that I’ve had in years and years combined. Of course there is more to the story that I’m not recounting here, but having the discussion to kick start this more regular intimacy is fair, and surely a good thing πŸ™‚

    • I’m so glad for you that you have been able to turn things around…it speaks to the foundations you have in your relationship, and your joint desire to meet each others needs. So often, I find that people aren’t able to find lasting solutions to the problem.

  13. Ann,
    As always, you’ve brought wisdom and clarity to the world’s chaos – and you’ve done it with style. Any husband would sympathize with this guy to a point, but his methods are dangerous, to say the least. I hope it works out for them both.
    Once again, great post, Ann… and good luck!
    The Hook.

  14. Hi. It’s me. The sand in the ointment. The fly in the soup. Mr. Buzzkill himself, here to say that I understand we all have different needs, but sex every day sounds incredibly tedious to me. That’ll turn it into something akin to brushing your teeth; an obligatory body function. Every day was awesome whe I was 22 but I’ll pass on it today. Okay. If you need me I’ll be hiding under the bed.

    • Hi Mr. Buzzkill (I miss you when you aren’t here, BTW):

      I think I have said already in a bunch of comments that whatever the frequency is fine, to suit the couple (so for me, I want 5 of 7 as a minimum), but that it should be established at the beginning, before all the shit starts.

      But it is exactly my point that it needs to become routine. Hopefully not boring (but it might, at times), because then, like brushing your teeth, it’s just what you do. Despite all the crap, you will still retain that physical connection with your partner.

      So no need to duck and cover πŸ™‚

  15. The “5 of 7” is a great rule. I think we all fall into routines, and pushing to make regular sex one of those routines is a brilliant idea. Sure, excuses can come up. But being intimate is very, very important.

  16. Ann,

    What a great article and, without a doubt, quite controversial.

    In this culture of individuality and the emphasis being placed on the dominant role of women in society, giving into a man and having sex when she doesn’t want it (submitting any number of excuses) should be viewed as the norm and men should simply STFU and take it. The emasculation of men is what our society “seems” to be pushing for and in marriage, masculinity should have no place (with this mindset).

    I have a different viewpoint and a wealth of experience to draw on that, quite obviously, fuels my opinion. My wife and I have been married for over 25 years. We have been together for over three decades. We have been down the path that is at the root of your post. My wife was a serial refuser for several years. I didn’t help the situation by making it easy on her by allowing myself to become physically unappealing (weight gain). She gave me every reason that was listed in that Reddit spreadsheet. We had sex 2-3 times/month for a half-dozen years.She admitted to me that she didn’t need sex and when I called her on it, she said that she didn’t want sex.

    My wife told me that she had been influenced by several outside sources – magazine columns, some women friends (older, single ones), etc. and used that as a (convenient) justification for not needing or wanting sex. I told her that I wasn’t interested in having a roommate. Intimacy (which INCLUDES, but isn’t exclusively sex) is one of the key elements in marriage (since we are both physically capable of it) and to exclude it we are both missing out and pulling further apart.

    My wife experienced a heart change. I never threatened or even suggested that I wanted a divorce. I was patient and continued to demonstrate my love for her. I supported her on every level that a husband can. She has gone through an important transition. On her own, she arrived at the point where she knows that she needs to have sex whether she feels like it or not. Once we begin, she give of herself with reckless abandon and enjoys everything about it. She is always glad that she makes the decision to enjoy it. She likened it to her challenges that she faces with exercise. A mental struggle-debate takes place and though, she may be leaning toward taking a day off from working out, she does it anyway and is extremely glad that she did feeling energized and emotionally fit!

    Our intimacy and sexual relationship is one of wholesale giving. What is in our hearts is that we both want to serve each other. We both want and seek to provide the other with pleasure – more than we previously thought that we could give. My wife has had orgasms while orally taking me to orgasm., I have done the same when pleasuring her with my mouth or a toy. It is the ultimate in arousal.

    I agree that having sex everyday (or close to it) is so rewarding. Once I made the change in my attitude, our marriage changed. We are inseparable. We can’t keep our hands to ourselves. We are both now physically fit and our sex drive is in overdrive. We are having amazing sex and we have both learned how to have multiple orgasms (as in 3, 4, 5 and sometimes 6 during a love-making session…EACH!). The more one uses it the better one gets at sex.

    It is a metaphor and an example for all other aspects of marriage, We all need to have an attitude of giving and service toward our spouses,

      • Thank you! It was a significant transformation. I know that the attitude change quite literally saved our marriage. Both of us take the opportunity to share that story with other couples, especially newlyweds.

        Marriage takes effort to make it work. But it is the type of effort that matters. Getting the heart and head aligned to be one with each other.

  17. Being that I’m one of the people that blasted the guy with my blog post, I still feel that it’s a valid response.

    I don’t understand why people can’t just talk about this shit. I really really don’t get it. Which, I guess is what I was trying to convey with my post.

    Sex, for me, is a non-negotiable thing. Either we’re having it or we aren’t together. I love sex, I think it’s a really fucking important part of any relationship and I don’t see this changing anytime soon.

    Hell I’ve broken up with ex’s for lack of sex. I can’t be with someone who thinks it isn’t important.

    That being said I also can’t understand why the woman couldn’t sit down and have an adult conversation with the guy, or why the guy couldn’t do the same with his wife. Who knows their backstory and who am I to judge?

    End of day, I think what he did was a really fucking dick move.

    • In my own experience, we talked about it all the time…it was a big issue for my ex, then both of us, then me. But talking didn’t make it better. If I had been given a proof, had to stare at the truth, it might have shaken me a bit…made me realize truly how bad the situation was. Wouldn’t have fixed the root cause, for sure.

      I completely agree that the method he delivered it was shitty. Totally. What I saw was that people were lambasting him for asking for sex on a regular basis. That’s what I had the bigger issue with.

      • I’m not saying communication would have fixed it, but at least with communication you can try to find some common ground and if there is no common ground then you can decide to leave or not. It’s about making informed decisions.

        I don’t think wanting sex regularly is a bad thing. If I was with someone who didn’t want sex regularly I’d be out of there. Case in point one of my ex’s. I would be lucky if we shagged once a month. I broke up with him. My appetites need at least 3-4 times a week (I’d say everyday but that’s probably wishful thinking).

        I can’t be with someone who can’t match that.

        • Sharn,

          This is an interesting perspective that you have. I like it!

          When my wife and I were dating (at the age of 16) we started having sex then. First, once in a while (when we could manage to steal away and sneak it in) then we figured out how to accomplish it with regularity. After we married, we had sex 3-4 times each week. That would ebb and flow. Sometimes 5 days. Sometimes 2-3 times during one or more of those 5 days. Some weeks, it was 1-2 times. Regular sex was good and things were great (in that department).

          But life changed us both. Her attitudes changed. Mine changed (though not about regular sex). I tried to talk with her about it. She knew she was a gate keeper and sometimes even flaunted it. The thought did occur to me leave, but I persevered, but not solely on the regular sex issue. Obviously, there were other rough areas that we both needed to work on. It was work and it was well-worth the effort and dedication. Communication is key and was one of the key components in repairing this broken principle element in our marriage (yes, regular sex is a MUST for a healthy marriage).

          I mention this as an example of how people change or let themselves be influenced to change. This works in multiple ways. It worked to damage our relationship. It also helped us to wake up and work to repair it.

          • And *that* is the ultimate.

            I’m so happy to read your responses. You give me faith that my own beliefs aren’t misplaced!

            People change, of this I have no doubt how we relate to each other and how much effort we’re willing to put in is the breaker.

            But the outcome you both reached gives me warm fuzzies. It truly does πŸ™‚

        • I totally understand that Sharn. What I found so interesting about my sex drive is how it was so quickly obliterated in response to how my ex hurt me. I didn’t even realise it at the time. Or if I knew, I denied it.

          • I think that’s a really important point too though Ann.

            The fact that with every hurt it adds to how we pull away from our partners. I couldn’t imagine what it was like for you, but I knew what it was like for me. It got to the point with the ex that didn’t like sex where I just didn’t even bother asking for it anymore and every few months when he wanted to throw me a pity fuck I’d say no thanks. So I do get it…

            Unfortunately there was no way I was getting my ex to communicate, I would get more from a brick wall. I just think the world would be a better place if all relationships had outcomes like the guy up there ^^

            But we don’t. And that sucks balls.

  18. Sharn,

    Keep an open mind and you will experience it and then you will believe it too, sweetie.

    When I stopped being self-centered and self-focused, everything that I was pursuing came to me. Sex is one of those pursuits. When we both shifted to be givers, that’s when everything in our bedroom changed. It was like turning on (or off, for some of us) the lights! It was so simple.

    We make this stuff much more difficult than it has to be.

    • Sharn & Warmy…

      I think you guys hit the nail on the head in your discussion. What struck me is this final comment: “When we both shifted to be givers”…that’s the key. I wasn’t giving anything to my ex. I was angry and hurt. I didn’t want to do something that was for him. So really, that’s what this is all about. Finding a frequency for sex that reflects both of you giving to the other what they need.

      Bravo.

      • Ann,

        Thank you for opening the door for the discussion. The topic is obviously one that needs to be addressed as we all have a vested interest in our relationships.

        One aspect of our online discussion is that while it is amazing that we openly and quite honestly toss our thoughts out into the public space, we are closed-lipped in talking plainly (specifically about sex and our sexual desires and needs) with our significant other. Why is that?

  19. Thankfully this is your blog and not mine, so I can sneak a comment here without my DH finding me out ….

    We’ve been married for 16+ years, together for 23. Other than a period when we were emotionally separated (DH was a over-the-road truck driver for about 8 years so there were physical separations as well), we are in your friend’s camp and the 5-of-7 rule. It’s not a rule or even a spoken agreement; it is just part of our lives and the way we communicate. Even when we’re angry with each other, have been fighting, there are hurt feelings between us, we still touch and/or have sex. It’s not a habit, exactly, so much as a natural extension of our lives together, like kissing goodbye when I leave in the morning. We are a middle aged couple (53/57) and i get that someday illness or something might disrupt our habits, but that’s life and we will have many years of good memories to recall.

    It’s an important component of our relationship and our marriage. If either of us were to start shutting the other down it would be a genuine indicator of marital crisis, period.

    • Thank you so much for your comment, Janelle. This is the kind of thing I’m talking about, exactly…even through the hurts and fights and stuff, you still maintain that connection.

      I’m so glad to hear your story πŸ™‚

  20. I couldn’t agree more. Every.Single.Day. …however…it’s MY experience that most men can’t keep up with my sexual appetite. I’ve always been worried that I’ll end up in a sex-less marriage and it will be HIS fault. Dear God….
    P.S. I bet ID LOVED this post πŸ™‚

    • I would go for 5 of 7. And sure, some times it might. But I have a really high sex drive so not like I don’t want it to much. And I think the benefits of staying connected through hardship outweigh the occasional boredom. Then more pressure to keep things interesting πŸ™‚

      • I am left wondering how many people have arrived at the conclusion of regular/frequent sex with their lover as being rote/commonplace/boring? I am not contradicting Exit 4A’s comment at all. I am merely trying to understand the mindset with the comment.

        My wife and I have sex averaging between 19-20 days each month (the downtime includes her menstruation). We both have orgasms…most nights we each have multiples. We try different things, change up what we do – positions, order, time of day, location, etc. It is always exciting because we make it that way. There is an attitude we need to maintain. The enjoyment stems from the commitment and dedication to each other..The pleasure is just the end result (which keeps it exciting).

  21. If I had a partner I would want to do it 6 out of 7 days. But I would settle for 3. And it isn’t just women that pull that bullshit. I have yet to meet a man that wanted it as often as I do. I went 9 months twice in a relationship (18 months out of a 3.5 year relationship). I eventually stopped trying and left him. Nothing I did was working. I think men are either full of it or I am just terrible in bed. But I’m willing to learn!

What do you think?