Many of you have probably heard about the Reddit user who posted a picture of a spreadsheet her husband gave to her that listed, over a month, all the excuses she had for not having sex. For the record, they did have sex 3 times over that period.
He’s being lambasted everywhere, even on a few blogs I’ve read. Women are saying he’s an asshole.
But you know what? I think it’s brilliant.
I have written a bit about my role in ending up in a sexless marriage. It’s a hard fact to face. But there was a point in time when it was mostly me. I was angry, and hurt, and the bottom line was, I didn’t want to have sex with my husband anymore.
I was the wife saying no, ALL THE TIME.
We fought about it often. I would deny how long it had been. I would try to defend my reasons. I couldn’t face the impact it was having on my husband’s esteem and ultimately, on mine as well. And probably the worst of all, I thought that all the other things in our marriage would make up for the lack of sex. I denied how important it was, because I didn’t want to face how important it was.
I’m not suggesting that a spreadsheet would have fixed anything, but I wouldn’t have been able to deny that it was happening. Of course that woman is upset with her husband – she’s been caught out.
I see the same situation played out over and over again, both with my real life and my blogging friends. However, most of my blogging friends are the husbands. Desperately wanting their wives to be the ones they have sex with, and being turned down over and over again. Turned down for television. For not feeling well. For having to get up early. For being tired. Resentful. Angry. Irritated. Sore. Or just because he asked.
Why are we (women) so incredibly stupid?
The advice out there is horrible. Tells men to do chores, women to stop nagging. Like it will solve the fundamental problems that lead to a lack of intimacy. It certainly wouldn’t have helped me.
My biggest fear in my next relationship? That it will end up the same way.
So…here’s what I plan to do the next time around: Fuck every. single. day.
I’m not so naive to think that there won’t be disagreements. Days I am peeved, or feeling fat, or tired. But here’s the thing. Habits are really important. And they are hard to break. If you let the disagreements and anger and resentment creep into your sex life, it’s not a big shocker that your sex life falters.
I am convinced that if I start a relationship having sex every single day, no matter when I am feeling those things, we will always have that physical connection. Once it’s gone, it’s damn hard to get back. Of course, there may reasonably be a night when you can’t. Friends of mine have a “5 of 7” rule; they must have sex at least 5 of 7 days of the week. They have been together for almost 25 years and it works for them amazingly well.
Now…I just need a relationship with a man who’s actually in the same city. We are working on it. I’ll be sure to keep you posted.