[The image is from the brilliant Allie Brosh at Hyperbole and a Half]
I haven’t been writing much in the last two weeks. Usually, the ideas flow freely and as long as I make time, I can write. My thoughts and opinions are obvious to me.
I knew that after Johnny Id left, there would be a writing pause as I absorbed our time together and figured out what I wanted to write about. It happened after our first time together. I simply had to think a little bit about how to accurately reflect our time on paper. And of course, thinking about what it meant for our relationship after the trip took a bit of sorting through.
The same thing has happened again, but even more significantly. I can write about what we did when he was here, but writing about how I feel now, and what’s next, has proven to be a huge challenge.
It becomes more obvious when I try to explain to friends what is happening. They give me a quizzical look and say they don’t understand. My rationale isn’t infallible. Okay, I will admit that sometimes it’s not, but being a practical sort, I do the following:
- Determine I have a quandary / problem / puzzle / issue
- Discuss it to break it down. Either with others, or just the voices in my head
- Figure out the root cause / core element of the thing
- Think about options for how to resolve it
- Pick what I think is the best plan
- Invoke the plan
- Experience whether the plan succeeds or fails
- Plan fails?
- Discuss new learnings
- Repeat from step 3
I was recently accused of being clinical by a reader. It wasn’t remotely a compliment. You may look at that ordered list above and think the same. But it’s how I process things. I’ve always been logical, methodical, and organized, ever since I was a little kid. Fuck, I’m a Virgo, for crying out loud (and yes, I’m going to write a post about Virgos, since a) its our birthday season, and b) there are SO many of us hanging around here).
Here’s the thing.
Johnny and I need to figure out how to handle being in love, but from a LONG distance, and for two years, realistically. He wants to move to where I live, but when he does so, there is no guarantee a relationship is going to work. And it’s a huge thing if he moves here.
Did you notice? Yes, I said I’M IN LOVE WITH HIM.
He’s completely ready to be in a committed, closed, relationship. I’m pretty fresh out of my marriage and had 15 years of not being who I want to be, and am still trying to figure out what I want from my life. But I love him.
I am trying to solve a problem. But I’m not sure there is a problem, or exactly why I feel unsettled (#1-3). It could be because there really is something to solve, or perhaps there isn’t.
I will write more about what we agreed to do. But the point I’m trying to make is that because I’m not even sure whether there is a problem and what I’m trying to solve for, I’m not sure we’ve chosen the right path forward (#4).
It probably doesn’t help that my hormones are all wacky since I’ve stopped taking the pill after removing my fallopian tubes. And, admittedly, I’m anxious about my son’s well-being, since next week is the start of me as a single parent. And, okay, it’s my birthday in a couple of days and that always has me think about the past year.
What a fucked up year it’s been. Awesome in many ways, but tumultuous nonetheless. Oh, and I guess I shouldn’t forget that we are close to a massive project implementation at work, the biggest ever, and I’m deeply involved in it.
Yes, I guess I should cut myself some slack. But that’s not my style.
I will figure it all out and will be writing my deepest thoughts in no time.
Until then, write things about Greenland!