My Mother, the ex-husband whisperer

My Mom is very wise. I knew it before but know it even more now, as I am going through similar experiences as what she went through, years ago.

As I referenced in my post about our proclivity to use other people, we had a really long conversation last week. It was actually a great thing…my son was playing with neighborhood friends outside, making up all kinds of games and being the sort of “free range” child I remember being as a kid. So my Mom and I just hung out.

She knows I blog. I’ve shown her some posts before – a few that have made her laugh, and one that made her cry. I told her many of you thought she was awesome when I wrote about the butt plug door stop.

We got to talking about my post about trying to have sex with your partner every day. I mentioned my friend’s “5 of 7” rule and how much I wanted to try that in my next relationship.

Yesterday, I got this email from her. This is the entire, verbatim, content:

I’ve been thinking about our 5/7 conversation yesterday.  I don’t see how you could possibly have maintained this sort of system with your X – given my observation of how he sometimes treated you!  Yes, I know there were good times but he was horrid to you on some occasions that I observed.  Seems this system of 5/7 or whatever is agreed upon can only be maintained if each partner has respect for and treats the other person with respect.  Couples can still “fight” but be respectful.

It stopped me in my tracks, because of course, she was right.

In my attempt to be fair to my ex, and maintain an amicable “working relationship” for our co-parenting, I sometimes forget how awful he could be. I’ve only written about a small portion of it here. My Mom reminded me recently about a few incidents that happened when I was married, which I’d all but forgotten about. She asked me point blank: Were you ever embarrassed by his behaviour?

Of course I was.

So yes, I still stand by the premise in my post. I do think if I had been committed to having sex more often with him, it would have alleviated some of the issues we had in our marriage. But I musn’t forget it wouldn’t have fixed it all. It wouldn’t have cured his depression and anxiety. It wouldn’t have made him be social. It definitely wouldn’t have prevented our breakup.

It’s very hard to admit I knew it wasn’t right to marry him, and yet I still did. Two weeks before I got married I was in my Mom’s kitchen, crying, thinking I wasn’t doing the right thing. I convinced myself it was the right thing to do. I told myself that the problems were “challenges” and that all the “nice” guys had bored me so I needed the intellectual stimulation. It’s amazing how much you can convince yourself of something, when the alternative is very difficult to deal with.

At the end of the day, I can’t regret my entire relationship with him, because it produced my son who brings joy and sunshine into my world.

Perhaps I should write more about the significant memories about my marriage. The good and the bad. The tragic and the comedic.

Or perhaps it’s better I write about Faraway Lover, as I have promised. Because what made that relationship so amazing was how different it was from what I’d been experiencing.

Or maybe I will just write about sex toys and Johnny Id.

We’ll see where my brain takes me. I’m glad you are along for the ride.

My Mom also had another revelation about my ex, that she shared with me. An opinion that she happens to have in common with Johnny Id and some close friends. But I will save that for another post. Stay tuned.

0 thoughts on “My Mother, the ex-husband whisperer

  1. Sounds like a wonderful lady to try to live up to. As we know, it is always easy to look back and see what we might have done differently, but in the end, we accept what happened and move on. Always a great read, whether insight to sex toys…. 🙂

  2. You and I have a lot in common on the Ex-husband front. I also ended up in a sexless marriage by choice because it’s hard to want to fuck someone who treats you so abysmally. (small dick notwithstanding) I also knew I was making a mistake but convinced myself otherwise…WHY DO WE DO THAT?

    In the end, he gave me 2 amazing sons and no matter how shitty the marriage was I’m not sorry I did it because of them.

    Made a much better choice 2nd time around and choosing well really makes a difference. Even through a rough patch, my husband and I still had sex 5-6 times a week. That’s low for us but we still realized that maintaining that intimate connection was paramount to surviving the rough patch. Without that, I’m not sure we as a couple would have survived it and the patch would have lasted more than a few measly months.

    Whatever you choose to write about be it bad marriage moments, Faraway Lover or Johnny…we’ll all be here for the ride with you.

    • I can pretty much convince myself of anything…rationalizing it completely. It’s not a great habit and I try to call myself on my own BS now, and to listen to my gut. It’s when my gut says something that I don’t want to, that I get into that habit.

      So glad you made a better choice, and survived the rough patch. I think all relationships have them at one point or another…so really happy that staying connected helped with that. I’m hoping it will work for me as well.

      …and so glad you are here…I really appreciate it 🙂

  3. Such a wise mum. I know all to well sex does not fix things.
    Memories do we not have them all. the Good, the bad and even the Ugly!
    Sounds like a good western.
    Well life is good with a healthy dose of understanding and mutual respect.

    You are doing an awesome job discovering yourself anew. Thank you for sharing your journey.

    • You are most welcome. I’m really touched you have stuck with me, from the very beginning (you are one of a few!).

      I feel like I’m knowing myself better and am generally positive that I’m able to make the changes I want to make. Time will tell, of course, but writing about it really helps. As does all the commentary here.

  4. I wasn’t crying before my wedding, but I could have. I can basically say DITTO to all of this. I never write much about my relationship, though, because I don’t want to get in hot water if I’m ever caught by him. But yeah, it wasn’t good and I too blocked out lots in order to coparent. Funny thing happened, though, when he became resistant to comparenting with me, I started becoming angry at him for everything in our old relationship. The old finger in the dam thing…

    • I totally hear you on reluctance to write about the relationship. I’m nervous even with the stuff that I have written. But, I’m taking that risk.

      I have found myself getting very frustrated with some things about him lately, because it does bring up the old shit. I find it hard to find the right balance between recognizing the feelings, and not wanting to dwell on the past.

      Any advice is welcome 🙂

    • I think I am exceedingly lucky. Even more so to have a Mom who is also so engaged in my son’s life. He is incredibly bonded to her, which will be very important as my ex is about to leave on his secondment.

  5. You are fortunate to have such an open relationship with your mother. I love mine dearly and while we are very close, anything relating to my sexuality is extremely uncomfortable for her. So we just don’t talk about it. I’m so glad you have a mom who you can really talk to.

    • I’m glad too. We even talked about open relationships and whether either of us knew of any that really worked. There are *some* places I don’t go with her, but I’m happy I have someone who knows me so well – sometimes even better than I know myself – and who can make me think about things I sometimes don’t want to admit.

What do you think?