My Mom is very wise. I knew it before but know it even more now, as I am going through similar experiences as what she went through, years ago.
As I referenced in my post about our proclivity to use other people, we had a really long conversation last week. It was actually a great thing…my son was playing with neighborhood friends outside, making up all kinds of games and being the sort of “free range” child I remember being as a kid. So my Mom and I just hung out.
She knows I blog. I’ve shown her some posts before – a few that have made her laugh, and one that made her cry. I told her many of you thought she was awesome when I wrote about the butt plug door stop.
We got to talking about my post about trying to have sex with your partner every day. I mentioned my friend’s “5 of 7” rule and how much I wanted to try that in my next relationship.
Yesterday, I got this email from her. This is the entire, verbatim, content:
I’ve been thinking about our 5/7 conversation yesterday. I don’t see how you could possibly have maintained this sort of system with your X – given my observation of how he sometimes treated you! Yes, I know there were good times but he was horrid to you on some occasions that I observed. Seems this system of 5/7 or whatever is agreed upon can only be maintained if each partner has respect for and treats the other person with respect. Couples can still “fight” but be respectful.
It stopped me in my tracks, because of course, she was right.
In my attempt to be fair to my ex, and maintain an amicable “working relationship” for our co-parenting, I sometimes forget how awful he could be. I’ve only written about a small portion of it here. My Mom reminded me recently about a few incidents that happened when I was married, which I’d all but forgotten about. She asked me point blank: Were you ever embarrassed by his behaviour?
Of course I was.
So yes, I still stand by the premise in my post. I do think if I had been committed to having sex more often with him, it would have alleviated some of the issues we had in our marriage. But I musn’t forget it wouldn’t have fixed it all. It wouldn’t have cured his depression and anxiety. It wouldn’t have made him be social. It definitely wouldn’t have prevented our breakup.
It’s very hard to admit I knew it wasn’t right to marry him, and yet I still did. Two weeks before I got married I was in my Mom’s kitchen, crying, thinking I wasn’t doing the right thing. I convinced myself it was the right thing to do. I told myself that the problems were “challenges” and that all the “nice” guys had bored me so I needed the intellectual stimulation. It’s amazing how much you can convince yourself of something, when the alternative is very difficult to deal with.
At the end of the day, I can’t regret my entire relationship with him, because it produced my son who brings joy and sunshine into my world.
Perhaps I should write more about the significant memories about my marriage. The good and the bad. The tragic and the comedic.
Or perhaps it’s better I write about Faraway Lover, as I have promised. Because what made that relationship so amazing was how different it was from what I’d been experiencing.
Or maybe I will just write about sex toys and Johnny Id.
We’ll see where my brain takes me. I’m glad you are along for the ride.
My Mom also had another revelation about my ex, that she shared with me. An opinion that she happens to have in common with Johnny Id and some close friends. But I will save that for another post. Stay tuned.