Who is Ann St. Vincent, anyway?

I’ve been told a lot of nice things lately from people who read this blog. It’s often very flattering and honestly, I find it so interesting to see myself through others eyes.

A blogging friend made a comment to me a couple of weeks ago that surely there were things about me that I don’t write about, there were things I kept hidden. I had to think about that for a minute. Sure, I don’t talk much about the following:

The work I do and who I do it for. Why? First, while I love my work, I’m not sure it would be that amusing. Although I love Aussa’s workplace stories, so perhaps I will consider it. Second, although it’s keenly important to me, it’s not the focus of the journey I am on today. Third, the more I talk about what I do, the easier it is to figure out who I am in real life…which limits my ability to write with brutal honesty.

Parenting. My kid is a source of endless delight and amusement. I could write a lot about him but I seem to have plenty to talk about without focusing on being a Mom. I’m sure, however, when the drama of my ex leaving becomes a reality, you will see more posts about my son.

My ability to organize. Perhaps if I didn’t have a job, I would have this blog and another about how to realistically manage a busy life and stay on top of things. I love to be organized and prepared and I’m pretty good at it. For example, I failed to mention in my post “My Friday night with Marian” that when she needed eye drops, I had them. When Dude A ran a bleeding finger across her boob, leaving her with, well, a bloody boob, I got club soda from the bartender for her shirt and provided Dude A with a bandaid. I used to be a Stage Manager, so it just comes with the territory. But I am no super Mom who aspires to be Martha Stewart.

Other than that, I am what I write. I don’t spend any time carefully crafting an image that I think is attractive. When I think bad thoughts, or do embarrassing things, I write about them. I am often confident but also keenly aware of my shortcomings. I share it all with you. What point is keeping an online journal if I lie to myself? I try to write like I speak – because I know no other way to write. It’s probably why I don’t consider myself a writer, because I just dictate what’s in my head.

Last night, a relatively new blogger friend said they didn’t know me (it was in context, we were talking about trusting people with information we normally don’t share). I proposed that in fact he knew me better than most anyone in real life – because he was reading my inner thoughts, knew my stories, knew the things I would filter out from many conversations I have in real life. To be clear, though, I’m still a very open person in real life. My friends know about a lot of what I write here – which is why I wasn’t concerned about bringing Katharine (real life friend) and Marian (blogging friend) together. I don’t have many secrets.

But is that really true? What makes someone known to us? Is it the day-to-day facts of life? Name, job, address, salary? Or is it our feelings, beliefs, passions, fears, hopes and dreams? A year ago when creating my OkCupid profile, when asked whether I believed I could fall in love with someone I’d never met, I said “no”. I need to rethink this, now, because I believe I could fall in love with someone’s heart and soul, when it is revealed on the pages of their blog. It may not translate into real life – but that’s only because we put rules around what should and shouldn’t be.

For example, what if you read someones words, you engage them in dialogue on their blog, then you banter, you flirt, and you find you really really like what they say, how they say it, what they feel, their approach to life and love. You take it “off blog”. The conversations continue. You learn more, and what you learn, you really like.

Then, you break that fourth wall (sorry, theatre term) and discover they make significantly less money than you. Or they are married. Or they are 30 years older. Or 10 years younger. Or they are not your physical type. We build up the fantasy in our head of what we want them to be. What happens when they don’t live up to it?

Do you overcome all of that? Perhaps, depending on what fits with your “type” (and I mean that in the broadest sense of the word). Perhaps not. I’m not suggesting that we should all just fall in love with each others words. Of course there are things that could be deal breakers for each of us, once we do know a person’s name and serial number. But I will propose that for those of us who write as we are…who put it all out there…you do really know us. The other stuff is superficial. Important, sure, but it’s the surface.

To really know me, you don’t need to know my height (5’9″), eye color (blue), hair color (blonde), weight (175 185lbs), cup size (C), shoe size (US 9.5), age (early 40s), job (exec at a big international company), living arrangements (house in the city), marital status (divorced), drink of choice (wine), transportation habits (I take transit to and from work), the car I drive (German), tattoos (yes), how I like my steak (medium rare).

Now that you do know that stuff, do you feel you know me better? I thought not.

This blog is me. Pure and simple. And if you ever think I’m trying to bullshit you, please, call me on it. As anyone who knows me will tell you, I love a good debate.

38 thoughts on “Who is Ann St. Vincent, anyway?

  1. While my close male friends no I see escorts I am not about to reveal my identity online as it would upset my mum and cause embarrassment to my family which I wish to avoid. Also people make all kinds of erroneous assumptions about men who see sex workers (E.G. we are all perverts who have no respect for women) so I think I will stay in the relative shadows. I admire your honesty though.

  2. When I think about knowing someone, I think about knowing their likes and dislikes, being able to predict how they’ll react in a certain situation, what things make them happy, what things upset them, etc. I know you like to drink. I know you love your son. I know you LOVE sex, but I don’t know YOU yet. I have no clue what your beliefs are. I don’t know your habits…good or bad. Do you like your burgers well done are rare? What are your holiday traditions? What kind of weird people in stormtrooper armor are you speaking with online?

    Furthermore, if I were to get you a birthday gift, what would you like? If I were to tell you bad news, what’s the best way to break it to you? If you did something that upset me, what’s the best way to broach the subject? Knowing those things would make me feel like I KNOW you.

    So, no, I don’t really know you, but I’m sure I’ve seen a side of you here that some people in real life have not and will not see.

    • I had to really ponder my response to your comment, TD, and I’m not sure I still have it right in my head. I hear your point that there is so much of the day-to-day that also makes up who we are. I see some of those things as changing more over time, perhaps. Open to negotiation.

      Well, maybe except how I like my meat.

      Said a different way – I wouldn’t fall in or out of love with someone because they like their meat well-done. Or if they don’t like to receive gifts.

      Perhap the weird people in stormtrooper armor online can help me sort it out. Some of them are far better wordsmiths than I.

    • Well for some, it’s a classic taboo. I find that people judge one way or another, unless you are completely average. I always try to be gracious and I find discussing salary can make some people feel bad and inferior…like somehow they don’t measure up. Or that I will judge them. Or they find it boastful. All of which is complete bullshit.

      I had a man refuse to talk to me online because of the industry in which I work (and it’s not porn, or tobacco, or child labour). He assumed I was a greedy, type A asshole. Neither of which I am.

      When men find out what I do, and make a correlating assumption as to my salary, some have said I obviously wouldn’t want to be with them because of the amount of money I make. Which is ridiculous. I want someone who is passionate about what they do, and interesting, and kind.

      That’s why I think it’s stupid for *me* to do so. But it’s only based on my own experience.

      • Yeah I’m just gonna assume you’re a lawyer. I don’t know, I guess maybe it just seems like you’re afraid of judgement from others. Which I get that it totally sucks when others judge you for their own insecurities, but don’t let anyone make you feel shitty (in real life at least) for making more or less than them. In fact, I’d go as far to say if someone wants to judge you for that then you’re lucky that right away you can cut them out of your life. Easy cheesy.

        • Actually, no, I’m not a lawyer…but they are somewhat universally despised, it seems.

          I am exceedingly proud of what I do and what I have achieved in life. Nothing was handed to me and I work really damn hard. I’m not afraid of judgement…hell, if I was, I wouldn’t write most of the stuff that I do! But it just seemed like something that I didn’t need to say in my post.

          But your point is very well taken 🙂

          • Lol I was almost a lawyer, I don’t really despise any profession in of itself. That’s dumb. I agree though that people hate lawyers and assume greedy type A, I am that haha I could have been a great one.

            Anyways as long as you love what you do and it somehow benefits the world then that seems to me all that matters whether you make a million or $10. Who am I to say?

            Fuck people. Get paid.

  3. I think it is funny how some people look for the tangible things in life in trying to “get to know you” while others, like myself, prefer to dig into their thoughts and emotions. I prefer to ask “what do you think about…” Or “how does _____ make you feel?” Instead of your measurements, occupation, etc. In my mind, the latter does not make a person, it is simply what they do or the vessel in which they are contained. I can appreciate both sides though… Sometimes it does help to pair a mental image with the “idea” of a person that you are drawn to. Thank you for sharing.

    • Thank you for commenting. The experience with Johnny and trying to describe what I know, and don’t know, about him has been bouncing around in my brain for a while now. For certain there are some of those tangible things that can have a big impact. Normally that’s what we learn first. This has been the opposite and it’s an odd feeling. Not bad, just different.

  4. Aw now you see? You’ve made me fall in love with you. You like your steak medium rare… that’s all I nee to know. The fact that I’m 7′ tall 220 pounds of muscular sexual tension, and have wings (see my picture on my blog) should mean nothing to you. But so often we get all hot and bothered about looks first and then dig into who comes with that gorgeous package (Chris Brown being the correct answer, of course.)

    This is why I do better in person than online. People get over my lack of physical empowerment and see the real me first. When they call me a douchebag, and run away screaming, I know it’s got nothing to do with my looks.

    TSSTIML may have finished his last comment with “Fuck people. Get paid.” But I’m thinkin’ “Fuck people. Get laid.” Just for this week. Then I’ll get paid.

  5. I can’t tell you more how much I agree with you on this post.

    I maintain a blog too, to talk about anything that interests me sexually, or some of my sexual thoughts or experiences. Because I can’t share these with anyone, not even my wife or my best male friend.. Yet, I just gotta let it out!

    The feeling is liberating sometimes!
    And like you, I don’t make up stories to garner more traffic or comments. (But again, male sex bloggers are mostly largely ignored anyway)
    All are 100% true.
    This is ME!

    Sorry for the rant. Keep up the good work!

    • I’m not sure why male sex bloggers are ignored…I think lots of what is out there is hot.

      The only reason I stay away a bit these days is I need no extra prodding to get my libido raging…and with no outlet for three more weeks, there’s no point torturing myself further.

      Thanks 🙂

  6. Hey! Another tall lady. Nice to see. And I definitely think my blog readers know me better than even my real life friends. I introduced someone to my blog and now when he sees me I can tell he is looking at me differently. Like he actually really sees me.

  7. I agree that the bulleted list of facts about us don’t tell the full story. Your physical description, your job, how you like your steak show some things about you, but to me these are like your standard conversation you talk about when you meet someone at a party. They’re the things at the top, not the deeper stuff. You get to the deeper stuff when you let it out with a good friend, or perhaps share on a blog. Thanks for sharing a bit more about yourself 🙂

  8. You are somebody who I think I would enjoy sharing a coffee with, you seem open and caring, slightly bonkers and for a simpler word – fun 😄

  9. I went through a similar reflective when I was a “young” blogger, too. I share all the same stories and feelings with my readers as I do with real life friends, it’s just a lot sexier and with a little more dramatic flair.

    My real life friends know all my struggles, they just might not know or see the entire picture which my blog presents in a neater package. Does that make sense?

    However, I absolutely do not share the private details of my sex life with real life friends (squirting, D/s, blow job techniques, etc). I’m a bit more diplomatic and keep it to, “We had sex,” or “I dig BJs.” Haha I have my reasons for that, mostly being I’m bashful and certainly don’t want to come off as a braggart.

    Anyway, all this to say that I relate to the puzzle you’ve put together here. It’s you, but arranged how you like.

    • I like anything where I’m considered “young”.

      But yes, I completely understand what you are saying. I don’t share many details of my sex life with the vast majority of my friends…only Katharine and I share those kinds of details. But mainly because she asks…she’s trying to figure out what is “normal” and I keep telling her I’m a bad measurement for that 😉

  10. You know Ann, I think those who blog anonymously do get to write with a more brutal aspect to their honesty but I reckon the stuff that’s really worth taking notice of is always there, it’s just unspoken. I think you are knowable if a person is willing to read between the lines.

    • Self-awareness is really important to me, so I try to remember to not only write about what I do, but why I do it. I see many people who don’t share their introspection (I’m assuming it happens off-blog), which is sometimes what I’m most interested in (depending on what they write about).

      I agree with you. You can learn a lot about someone by what they don’t say. What they choose to share and what they stay quiet about. How they comment (or don’t) on others blogs. I think we are more careless online with how we treat people, so someone who might take the time to listen to others in person, but online who writes a lot but doesn’t bother to ever comment on other’s blogs? I tend to think they may be self-absorbed. Just an example. It might be unfair… but learning about people and their motivations is of boundless interest.

      • So really, you’re a student of psychology then Ann. There’s honesty and then there’s being open…and is any of us not guilty of some form of deception on our blog?

        • I think you read my post from last week about lying on blogs. And yes, I don’t say my name or where I’m from or my profession. But I treat my blog like my journal and therefore in some ways, it forces me to be really honest…if I think I won’t write something, I know I’m not being honest and it means I need to investigate further 🙂

  11. Are you writing under a pseudonym? I ask because I do though many people know who I am. If I ever find the one I’ll need to tell him about my blog (since it’s known to friends and family) and I wonder if you have faced this issue-or a variation of it.

What do you think?