Using a butt plug as a door stop. No, that's not a euphemism

So being sex-free for a while has “forced” me to be rather creative with masturbation…whether it be by myself, or via video chat with Johnny. I have built up a decent collection of sex toys for someone who had none only 18 months ago. But last week, I found myself wanting something a little different from what I had in my arsenal.

Arsenal is actually an appropriate word.

So forgive the very blunt next few paragraphs (but really, you’ve come to expect this from me, no?)

I went to my favourite online sex shop and ordered the following:

1) Rabbit vibrator which is waterproof. I don’t have anything like it and I’ve wanted to try one out.

2) A small butt plug. From the “50 Shades of Grey” collection. I hated that trilogy, for the record. Such terrible writing. But this model has an “o” ring at the end and it’s little and it appealed to me.

3) An extra-large butt plug. No, not because I’m doing any “training”, but to be honest, I’d seen some porn where women seemed to quite enjoy themselves using those big cone things vaginally. So why the heck not.

All the stuff was on significant sale, and it was free shipping. So really, I didn’t have much to lose.

The box arrived today and once my son was asleep I opened it up. It wasn’t quite the box-of-fun I expected.

First of all, it turns out I don’t have 3 C batteries. So the rabbit needs to wait another day.

The small butt plug is actually branded with that cursed book name. Engraved on the side, and also printed on the little storage pouch. So that’s a bit disappointing. But regardless, it’s not something I just bust out at any given time. So it’s tucked away in its stupid 50 Shades of Grey pouch waiting for the right moment.

But the most hilarious of all is #3. I suppose I could have stopped to look at the measurements or read the weight, before adding to my cart. But I didn’t. I just went for the biggest (yes, insight into my sexual psyche, right there). So when the box arrived and it was larger than any other delivery boxes, it did give me pause. Taking it out of the box, I gasped. This thing is as tall as my iPad and weighs about 5 lbs. I did try it out, and well, I guess those women in the pornos were faking. Who knew!!

Anyway, not all is lost, because I’d been needing a doorstop for the door in my bedroom to my balcony. So now the anal plug will serve an entirely different purpose.

Live and learn, I suppose.

(Oh, and Hook? That box I sent you? I reused it from my last sex shop delivery. Thought you’d find that amusing.)

53 thoughts on “Using a butt plug as a door stop. No, that's not a euphemism

  1. You actually bought big. I am smiling.
    And always fun to have a toy around. Even if it ends up a doorstop. Always good to start a conversation.

    And like you soon as the 50 shades passes by I do so to and leave it alone. Shame it has the name engraved.

    Enjoy your new toys. And was surprised to hear a lady not having owned a rabbit before, i believe it is the best selling item anywhere in the world

    • Yes it will be interesting to see who figures out what it is 😉

      Not sure why I never got a rabbit before…probably because the first vibe I knew could be opened up whilst travelling, so I wanted to be slightly incognito.

  2. Oh, Ann. How you amuse me. Your candor is spectacularly refreshing. Plus, I love that you too hated 50 Shades of Grey. Enjoy the rabbit! To say I loved mine would be an understatement . Best fucking purchase I may have ever made.

  3. ok when the notification came through that you had a new post, all I saw was the picture O.O and I immediately thought to myself “there is no way I can hang with that woman!” until I read your opinion of the whole 50 Shades of horribly, not so well disguised fan-fiction trilogy. And I figured, more power to her and her womanessence 😀

    did you ever buy any of the lelo products? they’re fab and many are water proof/resistant. perhaps the remote control vibe for when johnny id pays you a visit 😉

    • Lol yeah – I read the whole trilogy but more so because I felt like I should see if it ended as stupidly as I expected. And yes, it did.

      I have one or two lelo things. My fave (and first) vibe is similar – from jimmyjane (called form 6) and it’s stylish and waterproof and quiet. But I will consider that remote control you suggest – I have seen it!! 🙂

  4. I once bought a “rabbit” knock off cos it was $40 and had a mouse instead of the rabbit ears. I thought, “ah close enough and half the price!”
    It was rather good for a while, until one day on closer inspection I realised that the knob was a FUCKING GNOME. I don’t know about anyone else, but having a pink creepy gnome down there turned me right off!

    • Ugh. Yeah…I couldn’t “do” that either. This one is way too pink for my liking, but hey, I figure if I really like it I will upgrade. But I’m running out of room in my nightstand!!

  5. Lololz! I’ve seen a guy take one of those once. I was awed. And impressed. And crossed my legs.

    Waterproof vibes are so fun, I used to have one that I call the sub. Best bathtime toy ever. Who needs a book? 😉

  6. I saw that in a store and in my brain immediately thought it was a Gummy (bear) Garden Gnome. Put eyes somewhere and set it by a plant. There is no way that thing can go inside of a human. I’m choosing to believe that. : )

  7. I showed this to my wife last night and we both thought, “Wedding gift!”

    One of my friends just remarried and they have a fondness for sticking things up her ass and posting pics of it on Tumblr.

    But I’m afraid they would try it. And succeed. And tell me about it.

    I think we’ll stick with a toaster.

  8. Are you sure that’s not an iPod mini? With some baby’s hand holding it? Good lord!! I had actually gone the Garden Gnome route before I got to Jayne’s comment. At five pounds you’d be sure no neighbourhood children would steal it.

    I may be adventurous but… ummm…. NO!! That’s more Big Bang than 5 shades.

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