So being sex-free for a while has “forced” me to be rather creative with masturbation…whether it be by myself, or via video chat with Johnny. I have built up a decent collection of sex toys for someone who had none only 18 months ago. But last week, I found myself wanting something a little different from what I had in my arsenal.
Arsenal is actually an appropriate word.
So forgive the very blunt next few paragraphs (but really, you’ve come to expect this from me, no?)
I went to my favourite online sex shop and ordered the following:
1) Rabbit vibrator which is waterproof. I don’t have anything like it and I’ve wanted to try one out.
2) A small butt plug. From the “50 Shades of Grey” collection. I hated that trilogy, for the record. Such terrible writing. But this model has an “o” ring at the end and it’s little and it appealed to me.
3) An extra-large butt plug. No, not because I’m doing any “training”, but to be honest, I’d seen some porn where women seemed to quite enjoy themselves using those big cone things vaginally. So why the heck not.
All the stuff was on significant sale, and it was free shipping. So really, I didn’t have much to lose.
The box arrived today and once my son was asleep I opened it up. It wasn’t quite the box-of-fun I expected.
First of all, it turns out I don’t have 3 C batteries. So the rabbit needs to wait another day.
The small butt plug is actually branded with that cursed book name. Engraved on the side, and also printed on the little storage pouch. So that’s a bit disappointing. But regardless, it’s not something I just bust out at any given time. So it’s tucked away in its stupid 50 Shades of Grey pouch waiting for the right moment.
But the most hilarious of all is #3. I suppose I could have stopped to look at the measurements or read the weight, before adding to my cart. But I didn’t. I just went for the biggest (yes, insight into my sexual psyche, right there). So when the box arrived and it was larger than any other delivery boxes, it did give me pause. Taking it out of the box, I gasped. This thing is as tall as my iPad and weighs about 5 lbs. I did try it out, and well, I guess those women in the pornos were faking. Who knew!!
Anyway, not all is lost, because I’d been needing a doorstop for the door in my bedroom to my balcony. So now the anal plug will serve an entirely different purpose.
Live and learn, I suppose.
(Oh, and Hook? That box I sent you? I reused it from my last sex shop delivery. Thought you’d find that amusing.)