I need to be lighter

I was home alone last night, and still am this morning. In stark contrast to last Saturday, yesterday I got a good sleep, had a long lunch with a friend I’ve known for over 30 years, where we talked of love and infertility and her decision to use a sperm donor to have a child, in the absence of a man in her life, did a bunch of errands (including what I hope is a lovely pay-it-forward good deed), and tackled some things on my long-ignored to-do list.

I love to-do lists, but the down side is when I don’t tackle things, I feel their weight on me, oh so heavy, and their constant mockery that they are incomplete. It’s hard for me to feel relaxed at home when I know I really should get around to cleaning off my desk.

One of my intentions, since becoming single, is to just do stuff when the need or thought arises. Driving close by to the hardware store and reminded that I need something, but really just wanting to get home and open a bottle of wine? I go to the hardware store. That stuff on the stairs that needs to be taken somewhere? Grab it the next time I walk by. Feeling like grilling a steak but it’s raining? Put on my raincoat.

But sometimes, I am plagued with an inability to get shit done. This last month I have suffered under a cloud of doubt and a generalised funk. Writing, and friends, have helped.

Yesterday, I realized I have an overwhelming need to purge. To feel lighter. NOW.

It started with food. I have been so good for the last two years, at a weight where I feel decent and have been managing to become a little stronger every week by exercising. I’ve fallen off the wagon in the last few months. Eating bad food makes me feel terrible.

I started with food yesterday. With my fridge empty due to travel, I walked the all of two minutes to the local grocery store, bought a stake, ignored the rain and used my grill for the first time. I sat down to a simple meal of steak, green peas, and red wine (hey, baby steps, people). I was alone, and comfortable in my thoughts. I ignored the beautiful looking rainbow popcorn, which is one of my favourite snacks.

Today I’ve done well so far. I need to feel lighter – not just to shed the few excess pounds – but to not feel the heaviness that comes with not taking care of my body.

I also need to purge my possessions. Make the weight of my house lighter. I was never challenged in my old place with needing to get rid of clothes and shoes (although I did a decent job every once in a while), because we had space. I don’t have that luxury anymore, and straining closets full of stuff that doesn’t make me feel fabulous, seems like a waste.

I have two bags filled already and am on a roll.

I need to clear my office of junk. Of the stack of picture frames waiting to be filled. They have mocked me for months. Fuck you, picture frames. Today, you will be tackled.

I need to let go of my worry. I’m worried about my son and my ex’s impending departure. It’s definitely going to happen, we just don’t know when. Telling him will be heartwrenching. But there is no point worrying about it now.

I’m worried about Johnny Id’s visit. Not that it won’t be fantastic, but as I’ve written, not knowing the path forward is something that makes me uncomfortable. Writing my post about my concerns helped…I purged onto the page, per se (I’m not ridding myself of alliteration, ever). The concerns are in the back of my head but I choose to focus on the plans for our 10 days together, knowing it will be amazing. I don’t have to know the future to enjoy the present.

And right now, I will let go of my need to edit. So with that, forgive any reptitive words and grammar errors. I have a pile of shoes to tackle.
Image Source: http://ericstoller.com/blog/2011/11/29/the-art-of-moving-purging-and-packing/

0 thoughts on “I need to be lighter

  1. enjoy the cleanse! last weekend I was on what dh called the laundry jihad which means just that. getting all of the laundry done. as in cleaned, put away so that I can go back through and pull clothes for donation. as much as it’s time consuming and boring, those 6 bags full of gently used (and sadly sometimes not even used) clothing and accessories felt good.

  2. I was just thinking this today. Secretly, I cannot wait to purge after my husband finally leaves….he is a hoarder and I’m relatively minimalist. Every time I open a full closet I just remind myself to have patience. I can’t wait for that purge. And it will coincide with the onset of Fall as well.

    My eating habits have been awful for the past month as well but I am back on track starting tmrw. I still have 30 lbs to lose. And steak and peas sounds perfect. No one dies from a glass of red wine. πŸ˜‰

    About those frames…..just curious when you separated…did you change out marital photos? Wondering how this impacts kids…

    • I moved out of the house – which I volunteered to do. I had no interest in trying to maintain the big house and bigger mortgage and I liked the idea of starting fresh.

      My ex removed lots of photos from the house – he’s not a fan of them in general. But there is still one of me and my son in my son’s bedroom. In my house, I have one of him and his dad. We are hardly trying to erase each other and we have a very good relationship.

      In your case, I think keeping the house relatively unchanged for a while is a good idea.

      • Well the whole house was painted last year and all frames and family photos came down and never went back up. I’m actually dealing with blank walls. I was just curious. I was thinking of reworking the old photos to put some into their room and playroom but not in other central areas in the home.

  3. Oh, empty picture frames! They are the bane of my existence! I have a wall on my stairs perfect for a collage of photos, but it has remained blank and the frames empty for some time now (3 mos in this new place and a good 6 at the old place). I don’t quite know what keeps me from tackling it.

    Re: food, I’m right there with you: when I eat well, emotionally I feel great. Eating a salad instead of a pizza has remarkably long lasting positive effects. I just have to want to feel better in the first place. That’s where I get hitched up. Oh well. Every day is a new chance at redemption, right?

    And I’m an 8.5. If any of your shoes fit snugly, let me know! I’d be happy to give them a new home!

  4. I feel your pain and doubt, Ann. I need to lose my self-doubt and depression. We’ll both be fine in time.
    After all, we’re parents, we have to be fine, right?

  5. I have found that simply writing about things is a purge unto itself. It can motivate, it can ruminate, or… it can procrastinate. More often than not, it’s the latter.

    Purging is the cleansing of the soul. And tell me you’re not excited about August? I dare you. That will also help motivate.

    • It’s why I wanted to get a tattoo of Ganesh…remover of obstacles. Still considering it…but the placement I want might be slightly awkward given my job and sleeveless dresses πŸ˜‰

What do you think?