I was home alone last night, and still am this morning. In stark contrast to last Saturday, yesterday I got a good sleep, had a long lunch with a friend I’ve known for over 30 years, where we talked of love and infertility and her decision to use a sperm donor to have a child, in the absence of a man in her life, did a bunch of errands (including what I hope is a lovely pay-it-forward good deed), and tackled some things on my long-ignored to-do list.
I love to-do lists, but the down side is when I don’t tackle things, I feel their weight on me, oh so heavy, and their constant mockery that they are incomplete. It’s hard for me to feel relaxed at home when I know I really should get around to cleaning off my desk.
One of my intentions, since becoming single, is to just do stuff when the need or thought arises. Driving close by to the hardware store and reminded that I need something, but really just wanting to get home and open a bottle of wine? I go to the hardware store. That stuff on the stairs that needs to be taken somewhere? Grab it the next time I walk by. Feeling like grilling a steak but it’s raining? Put on my raincoat.
But sometimes, I am plagued with an inability to get shit done. This last month I have suffered under a cloud of doubt and a generalised funk. Writing, and friends, have helped.
Yesterday, I realized I have an overwhelming need to purge. To feel lighter. NOW.
It started with food. I have been so good for the last two years, at a weight where I feel decent and have been managing to become a little stronger every week by exercising. I’ve fallen off the wagon in the last few months. Eating bad food makes me feel terrible.
I started with food yesterday. With my fridge empty due to travel, I walked the all of two minutes to the local grocery store, bought a stake, ignored the rain and used my grill for the first time. I sat down to a simple meal of steak, green peas, and red wine (hey, baby steps, people). I was alone, and comfortable in my thoughts. I ignored the beautiful looking rainbow popcorn, which is one of my favourite snacks.
Today I’ve done well so far. I need to feel lighter – not just to shed the few excess pounds – but to not feel the heaviness that comes with not taking care of my body.
I also need to purge my possessions. Make the weight of my house lighter. I was never challenged in my old place with needing to get rid of clothes and shoes (although I did a decent job every once in a while), because we had space. I don’t have that luxury anymore, and straining closets full of stuff that doesn’t make me feel fabulous, seems like a waste.
I have two bags filled already and am on a roll.
I need to clear my office of junk. Of the stack of picture frames waiting to be filled. They have mocked me for months. Fuck you, picture frames. Today, you will be tackled.
I need to let go of my worry. I’m worried about my son and my ex’s impending departure. It’s definitely going to happen, we just don’t know when. Telling him will be heartwrenching. But there is no point worrying about it now.
I’m worried about Johnny Id’s visit. Not that it won’t be fantastic, but as I’ve written, not knowing the path forward is something that makes me uncomfortable. Writing my post about my concerns helped…I purged onto the page, per se (I’m not ridding myself of alliteration, ever). The concerns are in the back of my head but I choose to focus on the plans for our 10 days together, knowing it will be amazing. I don’t have to know the future to enjoy the present.
And right now, I will let go of my need to edit. So with that, forgive any reptitive words and grammar errors. I have a pile of shoes to tackle.
Image Source: http://ericstoller.com/blog/2011/11/29/the-art-of-moving-purging-and-packing/