A year ago today. Happy Anniversary?

A year ago today. Exactly.

My misery had been escalating for months. Experiencing Faraway Lover and making new friends and a lot of reflection made it impossible for me to ignore what I had known for many years. I was fundamentally unhappy in my marriage.

I had been talking to a very close friend about wanting to end my marriage. But I was stuck on the next steps. I like to plan things and I couldn’t figure out what I would do. What kind of response I would get from my husband. Would I be okay. Would my son be okay. Guilt about knowing that most things were fine. But at my core, in my heart, I knew there should be more. I knew I was unhappy and I was pretty sure my husband was as well.

Of course on the surface everything looked fine. We were always good friends.

Last year today, laying in bed side by side, he on his iPad and me reading, he looked over and basically said:

“I think we are done here. Do you agree?”

For fifteen years, at various moments, I had wished that door would open. We had debated divorce several times. Always made the decision to stay together. Sometimes because we believed we could do better. Sometimes because of our son. And sometimes just because the alternative was so damn scary.

I vividly remember what went through my head when he spoke those words:

Ann, you have wanted this for a long time. You will figure it out. The door has been opened to you and you just need to walk through it.

So I agreed.

I also vividly remember the overwhelming feeling I had the moment I agreed:

Relief.

I instantly knew I would be fine and we had made the right decision.

We talked about what was next. I didn’t cry. We opened a bottle of wine, and over the course of the weekend, hammered out a separation agreement. I volunteered to move out of the house we had shared for almost a decade. We agreed to our son living with us equally, we came up with a one-time financial payout to compensate me for leaving the equity in the house, and we agreed to how we would handle our son’s expenses. No lawyers, no bullshit, just us.

The following weekend I bought a townhouse condo and managed to get a very quick closing date – less than a month. I knew that our marriage was really just a friendship since we still slept in the same bed and there was really no change to our day-to-day lives. Two weeks later we told our son, as I had to start packing. The story of telling him is for another day.

One year ago today I started my journey of becoming free. Listening to my gut. Letting myself be exactly who I am. I’ve never looked back – other than to write about it 🙂

0 thoughts on “A year ago today. Happy Anniversary?

    • Yeah, we really did it quickly. Modifying a few small things as we go. I don’t think I will feel the classic relief when our divorce papers are finalized…because it’s already done. But we’ll see!!

  1. I actually let my divorce anniversary slip by me this year (July 8) without texting happy anniversary to my ex! Haha. We split up in October but weren’t officially divorced until 7-8-09 so sometimes I forget. I couldn’t believe it has been 5 years though, the three years we were married seemed to drag on for about 15 years.

  2. I have a few friends who are divorced, and their experiences were very painful. I’m relieved to hear that others have had a much better time of it. That you and your ex-husband sat down and discussed a separation agreement like that is incredible. I’d much rather have that level-headed approach by both people. I’m glad you’re in a better place a year later.

    • Thank you so much. I know we are the exception, for sure. It’s not that it’s easy but we stay very focussed on the outcomes we want for our son and ourselves as a parenting couple… and try to ignore the petty rest.

    • Thanks so much, Hook. My parents were very good role models for my ex and I when we went through this – so although history repeated itself with the bad stuff, we replicated the mature approach as well.

  3. Divorce, even though it is probably the right thing to do, is still scary. Your life will change dramatically and you don’t always know what those changes will entail. Seems like you and your ex both agreed on it, and that makes all the difference in the world. It gets ugly when one wants it and the other doesn’t.

What do you think?