I should be asleep. I should be dreaming sweet dreams of my friends and my son and the man who loves me.
But instead, I am lying awake, stomach in knots, jaw clenched, brow furrowed, angry and tortured thoughts racing through my mind.
You see, Johnny is on a date.
Those words look so harmless as I write them.
We agreed he would send me a message when he gets home. Knowing I don’t really want to know the details, but also knowing myself well enough to know I would torture myself wanting to know them, I asked him to tell me two things. First, did he fuck her, and second, did he plan on doing so again.
It’s been 7 hours and I’ve heard nothing. I had a status call for work at an unusual time and I foolishly figured when I woke up for that, I would wake up to a note from him. No note. I have been unable to go back to sleep. I have written him several text message, all unsent, for fear of sounding whiny or needing or angry or hurt. I am all of these things.
I’m not cut out for this.
An open relationship is perhaps all well and good when you have established a great connection, built something solid, are secure in your relationship, and want ways to explore and take it further. Or perhaps if you don’t give a shit at all, really, about where the other person takes their heart and body.
In theory, not being restrictive with each other makes sense when we are so far apart and have yet to really establish whether there can be something lasting between the two of us. I certainly wasn’t ready to be restricted in any way. I knew I would resent that restriction and the person that imposed it.
I always knew that even if I wanted my freedom, I was going to struggle if he decided to exercise that same right. It’s been a torturous week or so since he told me he was planning to go on this date. I’ve been struggling constantly with the thought. We’ve had endless conversations about it. He has tried to reassure me that nothing will change how he feels about me. I know the chance he will find a soulmate, and subsequently change our relationship, is rather slim. I know that when it is me, my experiences with others have not diminished my feelings for him at all.
And yet here I am, in this moment, right now, and I’m a complete fucking mess. All I can think about is why I haven’t heard from him and what I assume he’s doing. Is he tucking a strand of hair behind her ear, kissing her, holding her tight as his face is between her legs? Has he bent her over her kitchen counter as he pounds into her?
Friends have suggested it will get better, that I will learn to trust that no matter what he does, it will not diminish his feelings for me. That I will get used to him being with others, that open relationships can be freeing and fantastic and the right way to deal with several situations, including ours.
In this moment, I call bullshit to all that. This. Fucking. Sucks. We have only 7 weeks until we see each other for 10 days. I started to question myself as to why I would want to put any effort into anyone else until I see Johnny again. None of the other men in my life are worth hurting him at all – and he’s struggling too, just with slightly different things. Why would I divert any attention from him?
I feel like I’m breaking.