Torture and anger

I should be asleep. I should be dreaming sweet dreams of my friends and my son and the man who loves me.

But instead, I am lying awake, stomach in knots, jaw clenched, brow furrowed, angry and tortured thoughts racing through my mind.

You see, Johnny is on a date.

Those words look so harmless as I write them.

We agreed he would send me a message when he gets home. Knowing I don’t really want to know the details, but also knowing myself well enough to know I would torture myself wanting to know them, I asked him to tell me two things. First, did he fuck her, and second, did he plan on doing so again.

It’s been 7 hours and I’ve heard nothing. I had a status call for work at an unusual time and I foolishly figured when I woke up for that, I would wake up to a note from him. No note. I have been unable to go back to sleep. I have written him several text message, all unsent, for fear of sounding whiny or needing or angry or hurt. I am all of these things.

I’m not cut out for this.

An open relationship is perhaps all well and good when you have established a great connection, built something solid, are secure in your relationship, and want ways to explore and take it further. Or perhaps if you don’t give a shit at all, really, about where the other person takes their heart and body.

In theory, not being restrictive with each other makes sense when we are so far apart and have yet to really establish whether there can be something lasting between the two of us. I certainly wasn’t ready to be restricted in any way. I knew I would resent that restriction and the person that imposed it.

I always knew that even if I wanted my freedom, I was going to struggle if he decided to exercise that same right. It’s been a torturous week or so since he told me he was planning to go on this date. I’ve been struggling constantly with the thought. We’ve had endless conversations about it. He has tried to reassure me that nothing will change how he feels about me. I know the chance he will find a soulmate, and subsequently change our relationship, is rather slim. I know that when it is me, my experiences with others have not diminished my feelings for him at all.

And yet here I am, in this moment, right now, and I’m a complete fucking mess. All I can think about is why I haven’t heard from him and what I assume he’s doing. Is he tucking a strand of hair behind her ear, kissing her, holding her tight as his face is between her legs? Has he bent her over her kitchen counter as he pounds into her?

Friends have suggested it will get better, that I will learn to trust that no matter what he does, it will not diminish his feelings for me. That I will get used to him being with others, that open relationships can be freeing and fantastic and the right way to deal with several situations, including ours.

In this moment, I call bullshit to all that. This. Fucking. Sucks. We have only 7 weeks until we see each other for 10 days. I started to question myself as to why I would want to put any effort into anyone else until I see Johnny again. None of the other men in my life are worth hurting him at all – and he’s struggling too, just with slightly different things. Why would I divert any attention from him?

I feel like I’m breaking.

0 thoughts on “Torture and anger

  1. Oh no, Ann. I get it. The feelings arise out of nowhere, uncontrollable and nearly impossible to restrict. You tell yourself one thing but your heart and soul are doing something else. I also don’t understand why, when it’s us, we can compartmentalize and tell ourselves it doesn’t matter. But when it’s them, it really just sucks the air from your lungs no matter how hard you try.

    Try not to let your imagination run wild. Once you talk to him I’m sure you will feel relief in some part.

    Thinking if you. Take care.

    • Thank you so much. I didn’t get relief from the date report – it was as I feared. But we’ve had a good conversation since and have a plan. It’s so difficult, all of this, but I have faith in our ability to be open and talk about it.

      • I had a feeling about the report, but I meant relief as in knowing the outcome rather than accepting… In my mind, two very different things.
        Totally agree that the honesty in communication is the only thing that will get you through.
        Love is a funny thing…controls us so!

  2. Relax, Mom. Hopefully your own experience has informed your mothering skills, and he’ll know *exactly* how to treat his women. And there will be womEN…!

  3. It’s easier to not care and be in love isn’t. You don’t get as hurt that way. But you don’t have the joy that comes with it either. You will either work through this and figure it out, or you won’t. Either way don’t lose sight of the wonderful memories you have already made. Hugs.

  4. There are no guarantees in open relationships. It is always a gamble when other people get involved. After his date, he may come to realize the exact same thing you did…why would he ever divert his attention from you?

  5. I have a few things to add, so bear with me Ann πŸ™‚

    First off, the eating yourself up thing? It’s natural, especially in a newly fledgling relationship where you start off with it being open (and even when it’s not new). Hard as all that shit is, it’s just something you will work through and with open communication you will get past it, even if it feels like you think you never will. And even when you think you’ve gotten past it, it sometimes comes back to bite you in the ass later. Such is life with insecurities – as females I think we have a few!

    At some point you both will need to come to some kind of understanding and decide where to draw the lines of what you share and how much you share. For me, I didn’t want to know the details of their fucking, I just wanted to know if they had fucked and if he had been safe doing so. At one point I thought I could handle the details, I couldn’t. It was easier for me to know that it had happened, not how it had happened and how often.

    Relationships will change. You guys may decide that being closed for a while as you build a foundation might help you a bit better. Or at some point along the line you might decide to close it to focus on yourselves. There’s no law saying you can’t open it up again at a later date. Relationships are fluid, just like we are.

    Do what makes you comfortable and no matter what, some of this will push you, it’s how you both deal with it afterwards and into the future that will define your relationship.

    I have no doubt that you guys will figure it out.

    S x

  6. I wish there is something I could say to make it better. Anger and persistent torturing thoughts are hard to bear. I guess constant communication and setting boundaries are a start. Being safe and trying our best to respect women and be sensitive to their feelings are very important too. My son is only 8 and I don’t have much experience in this aspect, but I do hope I will be as strong as you when the time comes. Hope the storm will pass soon.

  7. This, honestly, is why I don’t understand open relationships and could really never be in one. When my heart is set on someone I am not interested in anyone else at all…

    That being said, I hope somehow that you’re able to work past all this angst.

      • I am. I told you I’d stick around and I meant it. I just don’t have anything really useful to say here because I really don’t understand it. I’d love to be able to give you some sort of advice or tell you that things will get better or easier, but this is not an area I have experience in.

        If, however, you’re in the market for a witty, sarcastic comment…well, I’ve got plenty of those.

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