So this was back in December. This was another one of those bad experiences that forced me to look at my own dating behavior. This post is the hardest to write in this series, because I should have just let it go – but I didn’t.
What I learned is that I’m quite comfortable with the surface lies we tell each other when we are dating online. Of course we are all talking to multiple people. I know this, and I do it too. But to be reminded of it? That just pisses me off. I pride myself on being highly responsive to anyone I’m engaging with… and I knew I had too many guys on the go when I couldn’t keep up my standards. So when a man is responsive then goes silent, just to come back again, or is unable to commit to a date to see each other again, or just plays any of the bullshit games, I get extremely irritated.
This is one of those stories. Except one of the other women was one of my best friends.
I met this guy online – he reached out to me and was very complimentary of my profile. He was younger, ran his own business, and was an engaging communicator online. We had a phone conversation before deciding to meet for a date. My friend and I were texting and I was telling her about my upcoming date and, as we always did at that time, I sent her his pic. Turns out he had reached out to her as well – but she never responded because she wasn’t attracted to him at all.
In my typical fashion, he and I met for a drink at a pub close to my house. We seemed to click – lots of great conversation, laughs, sharing of stories, both work and personal. During the date, I mentioned that he obviously had good taste in women, because he had reached out to a friend of mine. Interested, he said “oh who is that…what’s her handle?”… so I gave him a portion of it (I genuinely couldn’t remember the whole thing). So what does he do? Starts to scroll through his “favorites” list. It seemed to take a while (red flag!!). I no longer remember what he said, but he acknowledged that he knew who I was talking about – because we talked very briefly about her.
At the end of the date, he said he really was looking forward to seeing me again. Didn’t kiss me goodnight (red flag!!) but I thought perhaps it wasn’t his style.
We continued to exchange texts afterwards, and the next day, and he referred to finding time for us to meet again. But then, as seems to happen so often with online dating, he stopped being as responsive. One night, we were in the middle of a conversation and he just stopped responding. I know, I know, sometimes there are valid reasons for this. But then, within 5 minutes, I get a text from my girlfriend, as he had at that exact moment sent her another message online.
I was furious for several reasons. First, it’s irritating to find out that you are in the middle of a conversation with someone and you find out they are trolling a dating site at the exact same time. Also, his message to her hurt my feelings – it was something along the lines of her having the most appealing profile on the entire site. Sigh. Okay, so he likes her better.
I completely fucking lost it. I went on to the dating site and…
I actually just decided to post our entire exchange here. Because otherwise I know I will remove some of the parts that now make me shudder a little bit. So in the spirit of full transparency, enjoy the cringe-worthy (at least for me) exchange. But I will make some comments because now that I’ve read it again, I’m still amazed at his point of view. Apologies in advance for the less-than-perfect crop job 🙂
Ah. So the “I’m just a nice guy” approach. So far, I’m okay with this. If it had been random, sure. Why does it matter?
Okay. So he doesn’t remember any of our fucking conversation? Then he mocks me? Fucker.
Sorry why would you message her? Now I’m confused.
And yes, dear readers, this is when I go a little ballistic. He’s not at ALL concerned with me, he’s worried about my friend’s feelings and that she might not like him. FUCKER.
Ah. The lies start. He said he liked me, we’d see each other again. Obviously bullshit. Sorry? He’s not sorry.
Now I start to realize…he thinks that she is pissed. Not me. He doesn’t give a shit about me. I shouldn’t have reassured him that he’s wasn’t horrible.
Pissing match? Give me a fucking break. He thinks he’s lost an opportunity, because he “wasted” a date with me and I said something to her and now she’s not responding to him. Can’t possibly believe that she didn’t like him.
I didn’t think he was great. That’s the cringing part. I should have said he was an arrogant and selfish fuck. Oh, and “Tell my friend I am sorry”? Sure, I’ll get right on that. Fucking hell. No wonder dating sucks some days.
A fun footnote…he keeps emailing my friend every couple of months. She has never responded.