Why does he like my friend and not me | Episode 2

For the other episodes, read Episode 1 and Episode 3.

So this was back in December. This was another one of those bad experiences that forced me to look at my own dating behavior. This post is the hardest to write in this series, because I should have just let it go – but I didn’t.

What I learned is that I’m quite comfortable with the surface lies we tell each other when we are dating online. Of course we are all talking to multiple people. I know this, and I do it too. But to be reminded of it? That just pisses me off. I pride myself on being highly responsive to anyone I’m engaging with… and I knew I had too many guys on the go when I couldn’t keep up my standards. So when a man is responsive then goes silent, just to come back again, or is unable to commit to a date to see each other again, or just plays any of the bullshit games, I get extremely irritated.

This is one of those stories. Except one of the other women was one of my best friends.

I met this guy online – he reached out to me and was very complimentary of my profile. He was younger, ran his own business, and was an engaging communicator online. We had a phone conversation before deciding to meet for a date. My friend and I were texting and I was telling her about my upcoming date and, as we always did at that time, I sent her his pic. Turns out he had reached out to her as well – but she never responded because she wasn’t attracted to him at all.

In my typical fashion, he and I met for a drink at a pub close to my house. We seemed to click – lots of great conversation, laughs, sharing of stories, both work and personal. During the date, I mentioned that he obviously had good taste in women, because he had reached out to a friend of mine. Interested, he said “oh who is that…what’s her handle?”… so I gave him a portion of it (I genuinely couldn’t remember the whole thing). So what does he do? Starts to scroll through his “favorites” list. It seemed to take a while (red flag!!). I no longer remember what he said, but he acknowledged that he knew who I was talking about – because we talked very briefly about her.

At the end of the date, he said he really was looking forward to seeing me again. Didn’t kiss me goodnight (red flag!!) but I thought perhaps it wasn’t his style.

We continued to exchange texts afterwards, and the next day, and he referred to finding time for us to meet again. But then, as seems to happen so often with online dating, he stopped being as responsive. One night, we were in the middle of a conversation and he just stopped responding. I know, I know, sometimes there are valid reasons for this. But then, within 5 minutes, I get a text from my girlfriend, as he had at that exact moment sent her another message online.

I was furious for several reasons. First, it’s irritating to find out that you are in the middle of a conversation with someone and you find out they are trolling a dating site at the exact same time. Also, his message to her hurt my feelings – it was something along the lines of her having the most appealing profile on the entire site. Sigh. Okay, so he likes her better.

I completely fucking lost it. I went on to the dating site and…

I actually just decided to post our entire exchange here. Because otherwise I know I will remove some of the parts that now make me shudder a little bit.  So in the spirit of full transparency, enjoy the cringe-worthy (at least for me) exchange.  But I will make some comments because now that I’ve read it again, I’m still amazed at his point of view. Apologies in advance for the less-than-perfect crop job 🙂

1

2

Ah. So the “I’m just a nice guy” approach. So far, I’m okay with this. If it had been random, sure. Why does it matter?

3

Okay. So he doesn’t remember any of our fucking conversation? Then he mocks me? Fucker.

4

Sorry why would you message her?  Now I’m confused.

5

And yes, dear readers, this is when I go a little ballistic.  He’s not at ALL concerned with me, he’s worried about my friend’s feelings and that she might not like him.  FUCKER.

6

7

Ah. The lies start. He said he liked me, we’d see each other again. Obviously bullshit. Sorry? He’s not sorry.

8

Now I start to realize…he thinks that she is pissed.  Not me.  He doesn’t give a shit about me.  I shouldn’t have reassured him that he’s wasn’t horrible.

9

Pissing match? Give me a fucking break. He thinks he’s lost an opportunity, because he “wasted” a date with me and I said something to her and now she’s not responding to him.  Can’t possibly believe that she didn’t like him. 

10

11

I didn’t think he was great. That’s the cringing part. I should have said he was an arrogant and selfish fuck. Oh, and “Tell my friend I am sorry”? Sure, I’ll get right on that.  Fucking hell. No wonder dating sucks some days.

A fun footnote…he keeps emailing my friend every couple of months.  She has never responded.

 

0 thoughts on “Why does he like my friend and not me | Episode 2

  1. My god – I am literally astounded at the lack of tact, empathy, and intelligence showed by this guy. My mind is honestly boggled. When I was dating, yes, I was talking to several women during the same time period. I didn’t mention it unless they asked, but if they did, I was honest about it. That said, if I was talking to someone, they got my FULL attention while we were talking. It is ridiculous not to give them that courtesy – after all, how are either of us going to discover if we’re a fit if we don’t? Likewise, if I realized that I wasn’t that into a woman, I would tell them, nicely, that I didn’t think we were a good romantic fit. Sometimes, I’d ask if we could still be friends regardless. And some of them became GREAT friends, because we maintained a mature understanding of the dating process with each other. One of them invited me to her wedding.

    Seriously, dudes…grow the fuck up, ok? There are few things sexier than the combination of honesty and tact.

    • Mark…I’m so pleased you have my back on this one! You are rare to tell a woman that you aren’t interested. I find most men are cowards in this respect and prefer to just go silent. Or perhaps they want to keep all doors open…my Mom once told me that men will rarely ever shut the door.

      • Or put down a toilet seat. Barbarians! 😉

        Unfortunately, I’ve found that it’s not just men that are like this. When I was dating, I had several contacts who just suddenly vanished, sometimes in the middle of what had seemed like an involved and interested back and forth. I jokingly wondered at the time if perhaps I was being stalked by a dating serial killer who was knocking them off right when things were getting interesting. 😉 For me, it often seemed to happen when I attempted to move from distance communication (email, messages, phone calls) to physically meeting. Suddenly, conversations would dry up, contact would cease, accounts would vanish. I guess I just don’t understand why.

        There was only ever one woman that I vanished on. The short of it is this – she lied to me, massively, about herself, who she was, her appearance, her habits. And then she forced herself on me, sexually assaulted me, barred me from being able to leave, and belittled me for not being able to perform with someone I felt totally lied to by and did NOT want to have anything to do with. When I got out of there, I refused to respond to her repeated contact attempts, blocked her account, blocked her new accounts, her fake accounts, the like. Yes, I probably should have gone to the police, but I didn’t. To this day, I still feel shame over what happened that night.

  2. Yikes. This entire exchange just makes me cringe. Not because of anything you said (or him for that matter), it’s just the awkwardness of the whole thing. And the confrontation. I would have shut down way before you… conflict isn’t my thing. Sure I would have been mad… But it would have turned internal. Not the healthiest approach sometimes, but it’s what I return to again and again. I call it “binding the crazy lady within”. However, sometimes she gets outs. And then… it’s duck and cover time.

    • Thanks Marian…agree it’s cringe worthy which is why it took me so long to post. I’m much better now about letting shit go (maybe I’m just cynical and jaded now)… but bad behavior in generally really irrtates me and I found this guy to be completely lacking in compassion or humility. It he had just been upfront with me it wouldn’t have been a problem.

  3. Gee Ann. It reads like you were in the diplomatic corps. Or Mother Theresa. This went on way too long and nothing satisfying was going to come out of it, at least on your end. Now I can understand keeping it going if you can get some good “kick in the nuts” kind of verbal volley in. That might have some merit. But arguing the logic of his position with this jerk was just a waste of 1s and 0s.

    • Thanks Moe for saying I was diplomatic and not crazy. I know it went too long…but with each admission from him I was more astounded. I don’t let things go easily…but have also learned that people rarely see themselves clearly. Sigh.

  4. The only thing cringe worthy on your part is that bit that you highlight, telling him he’s great when obviously he’s an @#$%$ 😉
    You did great Ann. I am sooooo glad I am not doing the online dating thing! 🙂

    • Oh, I just don’t think I should have bothered at all with calling him out for talking to my girlfriend. Now I would just stop texting and see what happens. But I was in a very different place then.

      • Yes, I do understand what you mean now. He didn’t deserve the sort of time you out into these texts, or the emotional energy.
        We can only live and learn Ann, all of us 🙂
        XO

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