I’m writing this whilst on the plane travelling to a big city for work. I went to bed at 2am, woke up at 4:45am for a work call, couldn’t sleep thinking about Johnny’s date, resigned myself to being awake, wrote a blog post, found out Johnny fucked her, completely melted down, talked to him on the phone for an hour, got ready in 15 minutes to get in the car to the airport, went through security lineups, had coffee and breakfast in the airport lounge, got on the plane. Phew.
I’m exhausted. Since I’m rather fair skinned, it shows on my face right away. I can safely say I kinda look like shit. The combination of lack of sleep and crying my eyes out does not do my face any favours. If I had any worry the Model might try to sleep with me, that worry is evaporated now.
Ironically, I feel better than I did at 7am when I got Johnny’s text. As much as I knew it was going to happen, I couldn’t logic away the reaction I had when his words materialized on my phone. I was a complete mess. I haven’t cried in that gut-wrenching sobbing way in ages. I didn’t have that reaction when I split from my ex. That alone should say something.
Our blowout on Friday night (he posted in the midst of it, so you can read all about it) and our subsequent conversation (via text, no less) yesterday had me reeling. It’s one of the biggest weekends of my career and I couldn’t focus, couldn’t think about anything else but his reaction to my Friday night date, and my reaction to his upcoming date.
We had agreed to have an open relationship. He says he has no issue with my being with other men. What triggers him is when he doesn’t have all the information he needs, and then his mind goes to a bad place. On Friday I thought I had told him everything he needed, but I hadn’t. Conversely, I have issues with his being with other women. I’ve been trying to work through it, knowing he cares so much about me and any experiences with others would be mere ways to fill the time. I was certain he would sleep with her so tried to work through it in advance.
But this morning, I had to face the reality of what an open relationship actually means. I couldn’t deal with it. My heart broke a little bit in that moment. Johnny and even a little bit of heart break are not things I want to occupy the same space.
When I saw that email, I told him plainly that I was breaking. I couldn’t handle it. He asked “what now?”
It was not a conversation to be had via text.
We spent an hour on the phone. I was able to tell him I was angry at him for knowing the reaction I would have and doing it anyway. That I resented him. That I definitely can’t continue to experience what I experienced in the last 24 hours – both my hurting him, and him hurting me. That I don’t want to have more resentment building up before we see each other.
That I didn’t want to spend the next 7 weeks focussing on any man other than him. That if he wants to continue to see other people, then I have a choice to make.
That I don’t want to be open anymore.
I feel like a weight has been lifted.
So I’m afraid there will be no stories for a while of new conquests. Just old ones. There is still lots to discuss. My faraway lover, the other faraway lover who has not yet graced these pages, P’s shenanigans, and continuing to work through the breakdown of my marriage. I have old diaries filled with embarrassing stories and hijinks which I would love to share.
And of course, discussion of our pending reunion, and how the heck I’m going to get through the next 7 weeks without live, in-person, sex. I’m probably going to gain 10 lbs from the reduction in the calorie burn. Sorry, Johnny.