In the last several months I’ve gone on a few trips without any sex toys. Once because I rented a holiday property and it was going to be my Mom, son, and my friend Katharine and her kids, and it just seemed weird to pack a vibrator. Another time I was travelling just with my Mom and we were sharing a room. Recently I went to a family member’s house and the walls are super thin. Right now I’m on a trip with just my son. He’s little so we are sharing a room and again, just didn’t seem right.
I’ve subsequently learned that not having a toy is a big mistake. It leads to some pretty raunchy behaviour on my part.
I guess I should clarify that I need assistance to cum through masturbation. Not sure why but my own hands just don’t do it for me. Perhaps I could find a lover who could educate me. But until that happens and I’m (not) master of my own domain, I need a toy.
So… at the summer property one day I found myself alone and desperately horny. I’d been on the naughty online dating site and having some great sexting exchanges and was all worked up. I rummaged around the kitchen, as it held the most promise. One washed cucumber later, I was fixing myself up quite nicely. Except the cucumber was cold. Microwaving it seemed wrong and potentially could end badly. Do they explode in the microwave? I didn’t want to have to explain that one.
Regardless, it got the job done. And no, I didn’t put it back so that we’d eat it. I couldn’t bring myself to do that.
At my family member’s house, again I found myself alone and horny. I’d been talking to Matthew and thinking about sex and I was going all squirrelly with desire. I found two different things this time…a big flashlight which I put in a big baggie (I mean really, otherwise that would just be gross) and a crazy cat toy that shot lasers that the cats will chase. It had this nice rounded ball on the top and then a tapered cone. Perfect. The flashlight worked great. I tried the cat toy but ended up turning it on when it was inside me. I’m not sure how I did that but I always suspected I was ultra talented. I got a little warm. So far, there doesn’t seem to be any long-lasting damage from lasering my insides.
This week, I’ve enjoyed the pleasures of a TV remote (put in the bag they give you for ice..again, since everyone knows there are a million germs on a remote control – ugh). I got the inspiration for the remote from a book I saw online where the author created pencil drawings showing various ways women masturbate. Also, I used a banana, which has a way better shape to it, but doesn’t hold up so well. Yes, straight to the garbage it went afterwards. Sorry for anyone offended by wasting food.
Not that I haven’t enjoyed the scavenging of items from houses and hotel rooms, but next time I think I’ll just bring my beautiful Form 6 from JimmyJane and not worry about picking the right banana out of the buffet fruit bowl.