Yes, I've masturbated with a cucumber

Things I’ve literally f*cked myself with | Or why I should always travel with a cucumber

In the last several months I’ve gone on a few trips without any sex toys. Once because I rented a holiday property and it was going to be my Mom, son, and my friend Katharine and her kids, and it just seemed weird to pack a vibrator. Another time I was travelling just with my Mom and we were sharing a room. Recently I went to a family member’s house and the walls are super thin. Right now I’m on a trip with just my son. He’s little so we are sharing a room and again, just didn’t seem right.

I’ve subsequently learned that not having a toy is a big mistake. It leads to some pretty raunchy behaviour on my part.

I guess I should clarify that I need assistance to cum through masturbation. Not sure why but my own hands just don’t do it for me. Perhaps I could find a lover who could educate me. But until that happens and I’m (not) master of my own domain, I need a toy.

So… at the summer property one day I found myself alone and desperately horny. I’d been on the naughty online dating site and having some great sexting exchanges and was all worked up. I rummaged around the kitchen, as it held the most promise. One washed cucumber later, I was fixing myself up quite nicely. Except the cucumber was cold. Microwaving it seemed wrong and potentially could end badly. Do they explode in the microwave? I didn’t want to have to explain that one.

Regardless, it got the job done. And no, I didn’t put it back so that we’d eat it. I couldn’t bring myself to do that.

At my family member’s house, again I found myself alone and horny. I’d been talking to Matthew and thinking about sex and I was going all squirrelly with desire. I found two different things this time…a big flashlight which I put in a big baggie (I mean really, otherwise that would just be gross) and a crazy cat toy that shot lasers that the cats will chase. It had this nice rounded ball on the top and then a tapered cone. Perfect. The flashlight worked great. I tried the cat toy but ended up turning it on when it was inside me. I’m not sure how I did that but I always suspected I was ultra talented. I got a little warm. So far, there doesn’t seem to be any long-lasting damage from lasering my insides.

This week, I’ve enjoyed the pleasures of a TV remote (put in the bag they give you for ice..again, since everyone knows there are a million germs on a remote control – ugh). I got the inspiration for the remote from a book I saw online where the author created pencil drawings showing various ways women masturbate. Also, I used a banana, which has a way better shape to it, but doesn’t hold up so well. Yes, straight to the garbage it went afterwards. Sorry for anyone offended by wasting food.

Not that I haven’t enjoyed the scavenging of items from houses and hotel rooms, but next time I think I’ll just bring my beautiful Form 6 from JimmyJane and not worry about picking the right banana out of the buffet fruit bowl.

74 thoughts on “Things I’ve literally f*cked myself with | Or why I should always travel with a cucumber

  1. “Inside joke”…..LOL!
    I’m getting ready to leave for a long weekend away with hubby but am bringing my Rabbit as well, so he can get off watching me get off (read blog, “Exit 4A”). Or at least spice it up a bit. My ex-lover was not a big (or little) fan of sex toys. Too bad for him, and me.

  2. I know what it is like to be in desperate need to orgasm. Thankfully, my hands can get me there without having to go for a scavenger hunt for phallic shaped objects. I can picture you examining household items as possible toys. hehe Add to packing list for sure.

  3. Thank you , Ann, for giving me something to smile about the next time I go into a room (which should be any minute). Or the produce section. Or Home Depot (or anywhere they sell flashlights). Or Pet Smart.

    You truly are a master of ingenuity when it comes to self-pleasuring.
    Seriously, you rock!

    • Thanks Hook!! If I could just find a guy who lives in my city who also loves sex as much as I do, perhaps I wouldn’t need to resort to such antics!!

      But when you are laughing out loud at that cat laser toy in the Pet Smart…just think of me πŸ˜‰

  4. Ena and I were in the grocery store this morning and came across the HUGE english cucumbers… We shared a dirty look as we put one into out cart. Thanks πŸ˜‰ we will have to write the tale and share.

  5. I found it. πŸ™‚ LOL

    I’m with you as far getting off on my own. Nearly impossible without assistance. So much so I just don’t even try, all that will happen is that I’ll end up more sexually frustrated then when I started.

    I now have a visual/question stuck in my head. Seeing how you have pale skin, if the cat laser toy is turned on would you be able to see the glow of it on your mound. I mean logically i know this isn’t possible with a cat toy and the amount of padding in that area of the genitals but its totally stuck in my head now. lol


    • I’m glad I’m not the only one…a few people have suggested I just need practice. Might be true but in the interim, I’m all about the toys.

      And that IS a funny visual. Next time I am at my aunt’s house maybe I will sneak off, try it, and report back πŸ™‚

      • Yeah, I’ve tried all kinds of techniques and nothing. Just give me the toys. πŸ˜‰

        OMG!! If it works you have to take pictures, just sayin. LOL

        • May I add in my $.05 (I think my comment are worth at LEASE 3 cents more)?

          I have an even bigger challenge. I can’t cum on my own or with my toys. I lack the coordination or perhaps I get too distracted when things start getting enjoyable. My experience with toys is that Mr. WC is adept at making me cum regardless of the toy. I get reap the benefits of his special touch, but that leaves me stranded if he is away.

          By the way, my personal favorite is a rabbit that Mr. WC got for me – Leo Soraya!! I just can’t multitask myself to orgasm with it.

          • hehe, yes your $.05 is welcome anytime. lol

            Now, idk why but this is almost horrifying to me. I like to start my mornings with an orgasm and because B leaves before the sun has even had time to think about rising I am left to take care of myself. I didn’t used to like masturbating and found it did nothing for me. But over the past year, that like everything else has changed for me and I rather enjoy a good solo show. πŸ™‚

          • Mr. WC leaves hours before the sun peaks (if it peaks at all) but I have given him the go ahead to have a nice pre-commute send-off (for both of us to enjoy) but he just doesn’t want to disturb me. I think that I will just have to take matters into my own hands.

            I wish that I could fly solo and maybe one day (soon?) I will accomplish this.

          • yes, B has my blessing too and sometimes the stars align….

            Never rule anything out, that’s what I say. πŸ™‚

          • πŸ˜€ I am glad that you enjoyed that, ‘Tis!!

            I am happy that he values my sleep that much and I understand what motivates him to feel that way.

          • Have you ever tried the Hitachi Magic Wand? All you have to do is keep it in one place, really. I think I wrote a post about it… but don’t get the “gonzo” attachment…

          • The reviews that I have read indicate that the newer ones aren’t as good as they were a few years ago. They aren’t as well constructed?

          • Mr.WC will get me one if I just drop the hint. Perhaps I can give him a little extra incentive to motivate him. I would get it myself, but it excites him so much more when I show him how interested I am in making things more interesting. Oh no…I just realized that if this works, he might write about it for that MM series he is participating in, now. 😐

  6. Have you ever considered buying a Sybian? You could put it up against Ariel and recreate the legend of John Henry.

  7. Totally done this… carrots have been a favorite in the past but also a stone Pestle from a Pestle and Mortar, an empty beer bottle, the handle of a hammer…. you get the picture I am sure. I now have a large selection of glass dildos and I never stay away from home without one!


    • That’s a great list Molly… Two of those I’d never thought of before so I will add to my “in case of emergency” list.

      I had made the mistake one too many times to be being a toy with me; now I know better πŸ™‚

      Ann xo

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