I’m writing this from the plane. I thought I could sleep but the adrenaline (and the ability to watch “American Hustle” and “The Book Thief”) have kept me up. Just a little over an hour before we land; our descent has started…turbulence through the clouds. My feelings are all over the map – excitement first, then fear, then wonder. All at the same time.
What will it be like when he walks through that hotel room door? Will he say any more than “hi” before he kisses me? Is he actually the same height as me, and is he as broad shouldered in real life as I imagine him to be?
Will he follow through on the few different scenarios we played out together by phone and by text? Will I feel that wonderful connection when we kiss…will it be incredible or just okay? Will that even matter? Our mental connection is so strong; it does make me wonder. How will his hands feel on me? Will it be that amazing physical buildup that leaves me breathless?
Of course I want it to be incredible. He is incredible. He was written the most amazing things for me, and about me. He’s been incredibly kind, romantic, passionate, and communicative. A truly amazing guy. And if it’s as good as I fear – how is my life going to change as a result?
My Mother has made me promise to text her every day to let her know that I’m okay. I’ve told her he’s a “real guy” and she has nothing to worry about. He’s not a psycho. But she’s a Mom. She told me (after the fact) that she googled him. Hilarious.
A good friend asked me to please text her a rating of Matthew on three different scales (her exact text):
1. Sex (factoring in size, intensity, and duration) assign whatever rating.
2. Hotness (factoring in conversational skills, sense of humour, and physicality)
3. Expression (how good is he with communicating what he wants and what he sees)
It’s great to have friends don’t think I’m crazy and who really want it to be – well, whatever I want it to be.
And of course, this being life…as I’m playing on my iPhone waiting for the plane to take off, who do I hear from? P (aka Shenanigans). He doesn’t text me, but in classic passive style, contacts me on a dating site and says “What’s new with you?” The reason this is funny – other than the obvious – is that the last time I heard from him was more than a few weeks ago, when he said “Maybe we should just stop chatting. Too much of a personality clash here”. I never responded.
It feels awesome to not give a shit about him anymore. This thing, with Matthew…this is what it’s supposed to be like. Real, honest, open, mature.
I’m so incredibly excited.