To get up to speed on Matthew, please go to the My Lovers page…all the links are there.
We spent a wonderful 5 days together. It was like something out of a dream. It almost didn’t feel real. Certainly, after I came home, it felt even more unreal.
While I had friends texting me and asking whether we’d had “the talk” and what was next for us, we avoided the topic (me deliberately; I’m not sure about him) until the second last night. I wasn’t sure what to say. I loved being with him, there were no red flags, but he lives thousands of miles away. He has a commitment to living where he is now for at least two more years. Then afterwards – who knows – but his preference is to be a place that’s still very far away. Forget the added complication that he’d like to live in the same country, let alone town, as his daughter (who lives with her mother).
Then there’s me. I’m not really mobile – my ex would have no part of me living elsewhere, unless I didn’t take my son with me. And that, for me, is an absolute non-negotiable. So I’m going to live in the city I’m in for a while.
So the reality is we may never live in the same city, let alone the same country. But even to contemplate such a drastic and life-changing move, you need to be damn sure this person is the right one for you.
Do we know that?
Vacations are not real life. Our 5 days together, as awesome as they were, and as much as I could assess Matthew’s personality and see if we “fit”, were not a realistic example of whether we could have a serious long-term relationship together. We talked about this quite openly. Pretty much exactly as I wrote it above. Definitely we liked being together, it was surprising how comfortable we were with each other, etcetera. But there were none of the day-to-day stressors that make people crazy. None of the irritations which eat away at passion and desire.
So what now? What do we do with this information?
It would be stupid to ignore it. To walk away and say “hey, that was a great weekend. Have a nice life.” We completely agreed on that point. The “do nothing” approach was eliminated as a viable option.
The other extreme, completely devoting our lives to one another, also wasn’t viable. We are both practical enough to recognize that. We haven’t really “tested” our relationship material, nor have we settled anything about where we might be living. So we weren’t about to proclaim our undying love for, and serious commitment to, one another.
So…what shade of grey was appropriate? We agreed that he would come visit me in August. He will see me in my habitat and we’ll have another, different, chance to get to know each other better and see what might be possible. Until then, what do we do? Prior to meeting me, Matthew wasn’t really dating all that much, so a few months of not dating anyone else isn’t that much of a stretch. He’s been single for years – and as he’s written, he’s happy being unattached. My singledom is measured in months. I’m still exploring all kinds of things, albeit with less frequency of late.
The bottom line for me is as much as I like this man, I can’t imagine being in a situation where I can’t see anyone else. Yet. Self-preservation? Maybe. But it’s also that I’m really enjoying the freedom of being able to do what – and who – I want, when I want to do it. My only restrictions are the time I have with my son, and my own morals. Other than that, it’s game on.
Could I tell him that? I certainly didn’t want to hurt him…he’s amazing. It felt like a complicated thing to articulate, because it’s not that I don’t care for him a hell of a lot. I just don’t know if I can go there yet. Especially given our distance. I was really nervous about having the conversation.
Our second to last night, we lay in bed talking about what to do. He said, essentially, if he’s captivated me (which he has), and therefore has my brain, he cares less about who has occasional access to my body. He means it. He talked about not wanting to cage me. He wants me to be honest with him, to tell him what I’m up to (and with who), and then he won’t worry about it. It seems odd to me, but on some level I understand it.
I told him I wasn’t ready to have any restrictions on what I wanted to do. It’s not as if I was laying there in his arms thinking about how much I wanted to be with others. But the next day I would go home and he would be far away, and as much as we talk on the phone, have phone sex, text, and exchange hot pics, it can’t fill the need I have to feel lips on mine and arms wrapped around me.
Until the lips and arms can be his, I am pretty sure I will seek out others to provide what I crave. After August, who knows. Perhaps more uncertainly of what to do, or I might be in a different place. But we will worry about that when the time comes.
Some of you may be wondering whether I will be honest with him. Yes, I will tell him about others, when there are any. He has asked for that. Besides, I don’t want him finding out things on this blog and it’s also critically important that I don’t start to self-censor.
August seems awfully far away.