So I’ve talked about the sex and intimacy with Matthew.
Yes, we were naked for most of the five days we were together. It was lovely and easy and comfortable. Between having sex, we talked. Sometimes we wrote a bit – I wrote Sleeping in Separate Beds after a romp. It didn’t feel like we were texting during a date…it was just an easy break of not talking. The silences weren’t uncomfortable. I’m usually the person that has to fill all silences. It takes an effort for me to be comfortable with quiet.
I didn’t shower alone once in those 5 days. We just hopped in together and enjoyed soaping each other up and making out (it wasn’t quite conducive to sex) and yeah, I shaved my legs when he was there. I was a bit nervous about doing so but figured that didn’t fall into the “things dudes shouldn’t see because it ruins the mystery” category. Anyway I have a cool razor that’s an all-in-one so it literally takes about 30 seconds.
The comfort I felt was like the comfort I’d had with my ex husband after a long time… like we had already spent a lot of time together. I can’t explain it. We talked about it our last night together. I’m both a hopeless romantic at times and also really practical, so any discussion about fate and souls has me simultaneously feeling like there’s no fucking way, that’s it’s just wishful hopeful thinking, and also not being able to understand how it works when you meet someone you just feel you know.
Before we’d met, but after our email exchanges turned personal, he told me the word that kept rolling around his head was fate. Us even meeting was highly unlikely. He had just switched his blog from Blogger to WordPress. I don’t know how he found my blog, but it was right after I posted the Giant #3 post, which is the one he read. He sent me an email about what I’d written – which he never does – and did so because he mistakenly thought I was following his blog as well. Which I wasn’t (of course I did right after). Let’s not forget that I responded to his email – because it was incredibly insightful.
So really, the chance of us connecting at all was pretty slim. Then the fact that we find each other attractive, and interesting…even more rare. Then in person, meeting him and feeling so comfortable, so connected. Not at all irritated.
Just wishful thinking? A matter of wanting it so badly to be that way? I don’t think so. But that’s one option I suppose. Although this is a guy who has chosen NOT to go on second dates because he can see right away that it won’t work. For me? I’m certainly not at the same point, but I definitely know when I’m being irritated. I know when my gut is telling me that there is something wrong. My gut sent me no messages about him as a person. None whatsoever. If anything, I didn’t want it to work – because he’s so bloody far away. I would have been okay with a great sex weekend but walking away knowing that it wasn’t meant to be.
That didn’t happen.
So, the romantic side of me wonders about how that can be. How all those things can come together and just be random. The practical side says – hey, sometimes it just works out that way.
Regardless, one night, while laying in his arms, I couldn’t get the thought out of my head that I was being healed. It started with his first contact and just kept going. He is many of the things I want in a partner. He communicates more with me about when he’s going offline for a bit, then guys just down the street. He’s incredibly self-aware and mature. Insightful. Accepting. He’s almost a decade younger than I, but he has experienced many things that make it seem we are the same age. Other than my occasional references to things in 1986, and the funny look he would get on his face, I didn’t feel the age difference.
He adores me. You just need to read his blog entries about me to know that. He told me he set out to seduce me. Seduce me he did. Brain and body. He is supportive. Kind. Understanding. I am simply revelling in how great it feels to be admired and desired. But my experience has always been that there is a “but”. He will say something so nice to me, and I’m cynical. I hate that. There is this part of my brain that doubts it. Wonders when it’s going to change. When he’s going to realize something about me that he doesn’t adore. I’m not perfect. Obviously.
Guys hurt me. It’s just how it works. The first time I fell head over heels in love, with my high school sweetheart, he broke my heart – he’s a relatively famous musician and is still with the woman he broke up with me for, so I guess it was the right thing. The second time was with my ex, and my heart was obliterated. The breakup with my faraway lover just bruised my heart, because it hadn’t really grown back yet. With my healing, my heart is growing (just like the Grinch…two sizes that day!) and with it, the risk of being hurt all over again. I don’t know that I can bear it happening again. But I also know that I have to risk everything. I have to put myself out there. Easier said than done.
It’s one of the refreshing things about the fact that he’s read my blog. He just knows all my baggage (I prefer “luggage”) already. I have nothing to hide from him. No secrets I have yet to confess. But there is still a part of me that hasn’t completely opened myself up to the possibility of this. I’m protecting my heart. Keeping a part of it away from him, so that I can’t be completely heartbroken again. I even went on a date the night before I left for the trip – not because I was particularly interested in the guy who I went out with – but because I knew that I needed something else just in case it didn’t work. It would be a buffer for something bad…like knowing all was not lost if he wasn’t everything I hoped for in person.
For the record, while the date was okay, I didn’t sleep with him (wasn’t about to do that, for a change) and I haven’t seen him since. He might be worth a blog entry only because he is terribly fucked up.
So…the bottom line is…I like Matthew. A lot. It scares me and I know I’m engaging in self-protective behaviour.
We did have the talk about what’s next, what do we do with this potential we have? You’ll have to wait for the next post for that.