Continued from My Giant…on my turf (#9)
Since he left my house, I’ve been pondering what to do. I knew, over the few days he was here, that he wasn’t the right guy for me. My gut knew, anyway, but I had trouble listening to it.
Therein lies one of the problems I often have. My gut has NEVER been wrong. I just don’t listen to it all the time. When I take the time to pay attention, it knows. When I act based on my gut, I don’t regret it.
What was my gut telling me? That me and the Giant together wasn’t right. It pointed out that if NIM was visiting me overnight for a few days, I would barely let him leave my bedroom. That my “working from home” would have been a lie and I would be all over him, non stop… having sex and talking and playing Scrabble and just wanting to be in his presence, all the time. My gut also knew that the conversation and listening irritations were not trivial…they were real.
I was torn between two beliefs:
- In this stage of a relationship, one should be oblivious to the others’ faults and be completely head over heels, so being annoyed already is a terrible sign that it’s not going to work out.
- Given where I am in my life, is it realistic to think that there will be ever been a man who I will be stupid over? I’m so much in my head, is it possible my head will let that happen? Look what happened the last time I fell head over heels. I got my heart broken and it was 14 more years until I made it right. Isn’t it better to be realistic and pragmatic and focus on all the good stuff he’s got, and know that with anyone you meet, there will be bad along with the good?
That nagging thought of “he’s good enough” was there in the back of my head. He would be so sweet to me, so caring, so helpful, so reliable. He was passionate and the sex was good. He would be there for me, and for my son…always.
But I couldn’t get my head there. Couldn’t think that I was at the point where settling was right…as nice as he would be to me.
There was someone who helped me connect some more of the dots – Johnny Id, another blogger – who read my Giant post #3 and sent me an unsolicited email. The insight of which blew me away. Johnny kindly gave me permission to use his words in my blog…so here’s a sample:
…You mention that you didn’t see any red flags, I saw a couple things that might be yellow flags that could become red.
First, he does seem overly confident in the first part. ENTJ, king of the jungle, and all that. However, rather than actually being overly confident, he strikes me as someone trying really hard to project the image of confidence. He’s over compensating.
Second, in the texts sent back and forth he talks about being crushed if you see him differently after sex. That leads me to believe that he actually has low self-esteem. A true alpha male would think “Fuck her, if she doesn’t want this, there’s a million fish in the sea.”
Those two points added together paint me a possibility: this guy lacks self-esteem and is trying to compensate for it with his alpha-male projection.
I have always found men with esteem issues unappealing. Don’t get me wrong, we all have our moments, but generally I’m pretty confident and happy and I need someone who is the same on these fronts. It was an issue in my marriage and I care not to repeat the same mistakes. This was the clincher. Thanks, Johnny, for your insight.
So…I kept up with some infrequent texting throughout the week, but committed to myself that before the next week started, I would have broken up with him. It was easier said than done. I ran out of excuses on the weekend…no longer had my son, no plans (a girlfriend I was supposed to see for dinner cancelled due to illness), just me at home. I had a glass of wine and started at my phone. I could NOT bring myself to do it.
I jotted down some speaking points.
I had a Bailey’s on ice.
I texted a couple girlfriends telling them I needed to do it and asking for their advice (knowing that they would scold me for not following through).
I contemplated sending an email instead, but wasn’t going to fall for the cowardly way out.
I practiced the breathing they teach in yoga.
After about 90 minutes, I picked up the phone and dialled. He answered and was happy to hear from me. We talked about his recovery. Then I told him the following:
Since you left me last weekend, I have been thinking a lot about what I want and what I’m ready for. I think it’s best we not see each other any more. I can’t commit to you. I know this is a terrible time for you – that you are in a bad place – but I don’t want to lead you on. I’ve enjoyed our time together but I know this isn’t right for me. You are a lovely, caring man, and you’ve been wonderful to me. It would be easy to take advantage of your mad skills but I know it’s been done to you in the past and I don’t want to do it to you as well.
He said he had felt that I’d pulled back a bit since he was visiting me – which was true, but it’s also true I was really busy. Actually that’s bullshit. I didn’t want to keep reaching out to him. I make time – all the time – for people I’m interested in. Busy week or no.
He told me he appreciated my honesty and openness. That he hoped we could still be friends because I was a really good person. He asked me to not “be a stranger”, wished me a good night, and couldn’t get off the phone fast enough. He was upset.
Fade to black.
But he still has a bunch of my books he borrowed. Is it gauche to ask him to mail them to me when he’s done reading them? And since he’s the only guy I’ve ever added to my Facebook page, what the heck do I do about that?