As I’ve said before, blogging was a totally new thing for me, as is writing (I don’t think Powerpoint presentations for work count, although I’m a bit of a grammar and word precision freak). A close friend at work, to whom I’d told a number of my dating stories, suggested I start writing – she thought I had a great attitude toward my separation and to sex and was “inspirational”. Which of course is a nice thing to hear.
For as long as I can remember, I’d kept a diary; so writing what’s on my mind is not a totally foreign concept. I stopped in January 1998 when my ex first broke my heart. Since then, the only personal stuff I wrote down was an attempt to keep track of some of the early milestones relating to my son, and maybe a travel log or two. I’m a very fast typist so as much as I love the physical act of writing, being on the computer is much more practical.
I knew about blogging as a social phenomenon, but had never read a blog before. Here’s what I knew: People write stuff down. Some of them are influential. Some of them are pretty good. Some even write books (thank you, Bloggess, for keeping me laughing over the Christmas holidays!).
But, like many other times in the last 8 months, I find myself saying “I had NO idea…”
I started writing stuff down at the end of September. I had so much on my mind it was a bit overwhelming to start at the beginning: I simply started with what was on my mind. Backdated a few things for some context.
Before I knew it, I had readers. Whaaaa? I thought. Okay, cool. But I just kept writing. It is so cathartic to me, I write what’s on my mind and what I’m thinking, and I try to write as if I was telling someone the story. My “real” voice, I suppose.
I started reading my readers blogs. They are funny and interesting and sexy. I found some other blogs I liked. I started to engage in commentary. I was even a bit flirty. I noticed a few bloggers with stories of meeting other bloggers. Some are lovely and romantic, some purely about the hookup. But didn’t think too much of it as they were someone else’s stories. Not my experience.
Then – boom! – I get my very first email from a blogger, furthering our online banter and making a recommendation of another blog I might like. On his blog, he’s open about where he’s from (and it’s far away), his dating stories are hilarious, so at the time, I’m not really thinking about this as anything but a fun exchange. He’s flirty. I’m flirty. He tells me he suspects I’m attractive. It feels weird to not know what he looks like, so I ask. He sends me a picture. He’s cute. I return the favour. Suddenly it feels like online dating – except this guy has access to a lot of information about me that I otherwise wouldn’t share. We keep emailing and texting.
Then it happens again, although this time, I kinda started it. I reached out to another blogger (ironically in the same city as the first one) because I had made some comments on his blog that weren’t showing up. I had challenged him a little bit and was curious whether he just hadn’t approved them. Turns out there was just a hiccup somewhere and he never saw them.
Now, his blog is just about dating, and there are a few pretty hot and explicit descriptions. I think I may have said I was curious about what he looked like…because he “fucked like I like”. Yeah, I escalated that one…I’ll own it. But he went there as well. The next thing I know we are having a very lengthy email exchange over the course of a few days. We also exchanged photos but not real names. (The footnote is that he thought I was in his city…so I guess I was literally a dating prospect to him, since communication completely tapered off once he learned I wasn’t).
(And just in case anyone is wondering, neither of these dudes are the new guy I’ve referred to in some recent posts.)
These two experiences happened within the same week. I hadn’t thought about it before, but suddenly I realized that blogs can be just like online dating profiles – crap! – and that’s not what I wanted at all. Don’t get me wrong, it’s awesome to be thought of as desirable. It’s great to flirt. And flattering for that to happen with people who have read about my inner thoughts, desires, and know how much of a sex-starved slut I’ve been at times. I won’t think too much about whether it’s the slutty part that leads to the interest.
The whole point of this blog is to share what’s really, truly, in my heart of hearts. That’s what is so important to me. And the only way to be that honest is to not worry about how it makes me look, what people will think about me. The moment I edit out a slutty bit, or a nervous bit, or a self-conscious bit, then it’s really no better than an online dating profile and I will have lost the whole point of why I write.
So I had to make a conscious decision to not change a thing. I’m not writing this to pick up guys. Sorry fellas. But feel free to fall in love or lust with me nonetheless.