Another shi**ty thing my ex said to me (actually, two things)

I try to be fair.  There are times when my ex is a decent guy.  Then there are the times that he has been a colossal asshole.

It was last year, around the same time.  We’d been having discussions about our relationship.  He reversed his stance on the “open marriage” he’d said he was fine with.  Casually, one time, in the kitchen, saying “well you know I was never serious about that”.

I tried to not choke on my wine.  I knew the more I fought him that there was no goddamned way he didn’t mean it, the more he would wonder why I gave a shit.  He had told me the same thing, over and over, for eighteen months.  He absolutely meant it.  But, as was typical, he created a new history and explanation.  Perhaps he never meant it, he just said it because he thought that’s what I wanted to hear, and he wanted me to be happy.  Who the fuck knows. 

So I kept reasonably quiet.  He asked me whether I had ever acted on it – and I lied.  Yes, looked my husband of a decade in the eyes and said I had never acted on it.

The reality was, I’d been acting on it for months.  But I knew that there was no point in telling him otherwise – it wasn’t the cause of the breakdown of our relationship.  It was dying just fine on its own. 

Now, a bit of history to provide some context on the second shitty thing.

My ex and I met just before Halloween in 1998.  I had given up on men and he was in full on party mode.  We were both hit really hard with feelings for each other.  Our first phone conversation lasted three hours…which was incredible.  I pretty much moved in to his place by our third date.  He cleared out a drawer for me in his tiny apartment.  The sex was awesome, passionate, we talked for hours and hours.  He told me that with me, he felt as if he was at the symphony and all he’d heard so far is the violin, and he couldn’t wait to hear the rest of the music.  We named our first-born child.  I fell in love.  Hard. 

A couple of months later, over Christmas, my family went to my Step-Dad’s country for a trip.  New Years Eve, I call my ex and he’s weird on the phone.  I know something is up, but he won’t say what it is.  When I get home, he breaks up with me, telling me that I’m not the one for him.  He’s made a mistake.  I was beyond crushed.  I was heartbroken…truly…like never before.  I don’t remember any more the course of events, but we did get back together.  I realize now that I was never the same.

So…back to last year.

One particularly stressful night when we were talking about our relationship, he told me that when he broke up with me all those years ago, he only got back together with me because I cried

I’m still so stunned at the comment I’m not sure how to finish this entry.  He wasn’t overly intoxicated at the time, nor overly angry.  Later he told me he didn’t mean it (see same behaviour above), but I can’t help but think that for my conflict-averse husband, that might have been the truth.

I guess all I can say is, while I could fill an entire blog with the shitty things that have been said to me by him over time, at least I don’t have to deal with it on a regular basis anymore.  Colleen, over to you.

15 thoughts on “Another shi**ty thing my ex said to me (actually, two things)

  1. Oh lord, that sounds so bloody cruel. What a thing to say. That says mountains about what a jerk this guy must have been – first, I don’t believe that, so second, he must have said it to be hurtful.

  2. I’m actually terrified of something like that happening to me. Someone says they love you and you think everything is fine. Then BAM of out nowhere, you’re not the one.

    • I won’t deny that it sucked ass. It was awful and I was never the same in that relationship. But I haven’t let it stop me from trusting again – at least, not that I’m aware of. I am certainly, however, more skeptical of people that jump in too quickly (like “my giant”) because there is no way you can know all of someone that quickly. I guess that’s the way I try to protect my heart.

  3. I’m new here as of today. I feel quite a draw to your writing. Thanks for being able to open up online about your sex life. I wish I had that kind of nerve.
    But the reason I decided to comment on the story is because I can also say that I was with my now ex for 11 yrs, and as were disintegrating he told me the only reason he decided to marry me was because he felt sorry for me. He felt I’d be alone forever otherwise. Needless to say ,ouch, but I think the truth is his mother forced the issue.
    We’ve been divorced 13 yrs now, I’ve never been happier or glad to be “alone”. Someday, maybe after my soon to be 17 yr old moves out, I’ll worry about mom’s dusty, boarded up amusement park again. See what 45 yr old sex feels like.

  4. wow….just wow….is this guy a sociopath and just like screwing with things to see how they react? now the first part almost sounds like he was trying to set up extramarital affair as a reason for divorce, but I’m beyond figuring out what the other is unless he just enjoys watching you suffer.

What do you think?