The myth of pleasure from a cabana boy

One pervasive comment or joke I heard a lot after I became single – from married girlfriends, mostly – is that what I should do is get me some young stud for sex. I mean, they call it lots of different things, but that’s the bottom line. I think this is a fascinating topic and certainly one that has no lack of popular culture references.

One part of the attraction – for sure – is that when a young guy pursues you, it feels really darn good.  I’m 40, and this 25-year-old, who could have all the toned, smooth, energetic young ladies he wants, wants me?  Wow.  It’s a great thing and anyone who says it’s not an ego boost is lying.  I’m not sure what the attraction really is about, however – so I’ve asked many of them.

Consistently, they say that they don’t like women their age (20s or even early 30s) because they aren’t mature or interesting enough, don’t know what they want physically, won’t sleep with a guy right away, and/or are more inhibited with sex.

This always gave me pause.  I think about me now versus me at 25…and it’s certainly true.  I was pretty promiscuous before I met my ex…I’d slept with what I consider to be many men (I even have a page devoted to it).  But in terms of having great sex?  I remember some episodes that were fantastic (the boyfriend in university who needed about 30 seconds after cumming to be ready again, the few threesomes I had with two men) but I didn’t really know that much about what I wanted.  I didn’t take charge, didn’t know what my body liked and didn’t like.  But I probably thought I was pretty good in bed.

While many people learn all these things in long-term relationships, my essentially sexless marriage was not the place for exploration.  I just turned it all off.  I didn’t even masturbate.

I was also more apprehensive about my body.  Likely held back a lot more.  I remember with my recent, faraway lover…after we’d been together a few times, and I was on top, and he asked me to turn around so I was in “reverse cowgirl”…I was thinking “oh my god my ass will look so huge”.  But I did it anyway.  He was over the moon.

It was the first time I felt like I’d really given myself sexually to someone – let it all go – the mental as well as the physical.  Which was why I was sobbing hours later when he left the room to go back to his family, and I knew I had to fly out the next day.

But I digress.  Bottom line (pardon the pun) is that now I just go for it.  Guys love it and a woman who is uninhibited and confident is way more sexy than one who wants to hide parts under the sheets.  This from the guys themselves.

So – my verdict of me at 25? Definitely promiscuous, but way less fun and experienced in the sack than I am now.  Now? Give me sex for hours (days, even), varied, interesting, dirty, fun.

Back to these young guys.  They seem to have figured this out.  One 30-year-old said to me that a “30 year-old woman’s orgasm is like a cat’s meow, a 40 year old’s is like a lion’s roar. Give me a 40 year-old lover any day”.  There is a myth (and pretty sure it’s a myth) that a woman physically reaches a sexual peak at this age.  My suspicion is it’s not necessarily physiological – but is actually the sum total of all these other things that make us such demons in bed. Feel free to disagree.

Here’s the thing.  The young guys have figured it out, but what do I get in return?  Yes, I have tried going younger.  The range (don’t judge) has been ages 23-30 (over 30 I don’t really include in this category).  The result?  With one exception (and he was 30), give me a 45-year-old with experience and stamina any day.

These guys think they are great lovers, but they aren’t.  They can’t match what some older men have in terms of experience – more tools in the proverbial toolbox.  They are more selfish – not looking to please their lover.  They don’t all have this amazing stamina – my naked ironing man, and Ariel, had way more staying power than the young ones.

Also, their manners often suck – they all showed up empty-handed at my house.  They are flaky – there is absolutely a generational difference in communication, and making and following through on plans.  They don’t understand that an executive woman with a child every other week can’t always just be ready to “hit it” when his fancy strikes.  Irritating.

On average? Yes, you may get more 45 year-olds with what I call “hydraulics issues”.  I’ve definitely been lucky in this regard.  But you get more 25 year-olds who have limited skills.  If you are the kind of 40-year-old who wants to teach someone?  Go for it.

But at the end of the day, it holds no appeal to me.

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0 thoughts on “The myth of pleasure from a cabana boy

  1. There is no substitute for experience. Having to choose between a 25 year-old “girl” and a 45 year-old “cougar” – the latter wins every time.

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  3. Strange, that defect you see in younger men (“They are more selfish – not looking to please their lover”) actually is why sexually, although not for relationships, older women than me are more interesting, they are more selfish, they aren’t worried to please me, just to have fun, instead with younger girls I feel that they are thinking all time if they are doing well their part. I guess is that difference about love and sex that men and women used to have.

    • I would characterize it a bit differently – generally speaking, I find younger men haven’t realized the benefits to be gained by ensuring a woman is sexually satisfied before they are. Older men perhaps have experienced more women who have trouble having orgasms so find multiple ways to pleasure them… while I have no such troubles I enjoy when someone has multiple talents and is concerned with my pleasure.

      For older women, I think that we care about giving our partner pleasure, but are likely not as obsessive about it as when we were younger. We know what works, are more comfortable in our skills and our own bodies, and as a result probably seem to be less neurotic.

      Does that resonate with you?

      • Thanks for your thoughts, I’d like to say I understand them completely (especially your second paragraph) but I suspect men and women have always different points of views (reason why I read you and not male bloggers about relationships)
        When younger actually I was more worried to satisfy my partners so I learnt to control my times and orgasms and the gestures and zones where a woman could find more pleasure, it was very thoughtful. Now I do it by instinct, if it’s flowing then it’s good and can last and we can make “click” in several levels, but I don’t care anymore to pleasure yes or yes my eventual partners anymore, if we don’t make click then I fake my orgasm (we can do it too) and bye, if something is not working then there is not need to make it longer.
        Said that I cannot talk about older men, as a rule I don’t speak much about the boyfriends or other sexual mates of my eventual partners (another reason why I’m quite interested in your point of view) but who knows, perhaps in a few years I’ll discover the meaning of your words.

  4. I agree that being wanted by a younger man is a good ego boost. But I also agree (from my point of view) that I wasn’t mature, much more stuck up and most importantly didn’t know what I liked physically even 10 years ago. This has to do with the fact that I wasn’t as promiscuous as you before my marriage (understatement of the year) so had very little experience, and the fact my husband was abusive, which meant I never felt safe to open up about my desires. A threesome? He didn’t even want to try anal!
    Now, I am not afraid to explore. This is exactly what my FWB said.
    As far as hitting on younger men, for me, there are two separate issues. I have teenagers. Going too young would feel almost as incest. I can’t do that!
    And then, I missed out on so much fun, I can’t be bothered to teach someone. And most would not be interested in me but mostly in themselves. I lived with a self-centered person for 20+ years. I don’t need this any more 🙂

What do you think?