I don’t have any recollection of masturbating after age 9. Which means I did when I was younger, but I’ll get back to that.
I lost my virginity when I was just shy of my 14th birthday. From age 14 to 25 (when I met my ex), I had a lot of sex. There is still such a stigma on the number of sex partners a woman has had, that even in this setting, fully anonymous, I find it hard to actually tell you how many partners I had. I do know, because I wrote them all down. But let’s just say, depending on which study you cite, it could be up to nine times the average at the time. Whoo. That’s not even counting the number since. Alright, moving right along.
Obviously such a sexual creature would masturbate, right? Nope. I do recall trying a couple of times…but my fingers never seemed to do the trick. I tried with a cucumber once but it was cold and unyielding and unpleasant. It didn’t occur to me to go to a sex shop and outfit myself with toys. So I just didn’t.
I didn’t start masturbating again until…wait for it…
As I’ve been dating again, if the topic gets around to why I’m no longer with my ex and my (essentially) sexless marriage, inevitably the question of masturbation arises. Or it’s framed as a statement like “wow you must have gone crazy masturbating”. Depending on my mood, I may just laugh it off, leaving him to his imagine, or tell him the truth – that I didn’t masturbate at all. The only way I could deal with the physical rejection and stagnation was to shut it all down. This realization has only come in the aftermath, of course.
Some of you know that my sexual desire came alive again in a public park one night with a colleague (you can read about it here) and then yeah, with another colleague (story here). It didn’t take much and since then, I’ve been on fire. My sexual appetite returned with a vengeance. After I met my faraway lover, we would exchange hot emails (he sent me my first cock shot – ah, the memories) and have phone sex (again, a first!) and I found myself desperately horny every day. Although I had permission to be with others, I was sincerely trying to make things better with my husband. I tried to use this new-found desire to reignite our physical relationship. Other than one great 10 minute session, it was a complete failure.
So what’s a girl to do? On my way home from work one day, I stopped at the sex shop a short ways from my house, and bought my first vibrator. I did my research first – I wanted something stylish because the lifelike ones scared me. I spent an extraordinary sum of money for something quiet, powerful, waterproof, and that wouldn’t spontaneously turn on in my luggage since I was traveling for work all the time – it was called the Form 6 (check it out here; it’s pretty awesome). I would use it alone or with my lover’s voice in my ear. I was hooked.
As I’ve written before, on another trip I bought my first dildo. By then, lifelike was good. I’d gotten really good at using the vibrator, but the dildo just cried out for some other uses. Bluntly put, I wanted to ride it. I also wanted to experience the clitoral orgasm that I had with my lover and had never had before – or so I thought. The first time using the dildo at home I fashioned a bit of a perch for me to sit on and ride it…I figured out just how to give myself that fantastic full body orgasm – and when I did, I had a powerful memory come flooding back.
Me, on my dad’s couch, riding a pillow, with a stuffed sock (I think?) against my clit through my underwear…moving back and forth until I got this very pleasurable feeling.
I’d done this before.