Sorry about the excessive alliteration but it came to me last night at 4am while awake.
I’m not sure how this happened, but I came to have four dates last week (okay, that’s not the part I’m mystified about)…all of whom work in the film industry. I called it my “film festival” and the day I came home from a short sunny vacation with my Mom (last Sun) I was excited. New guys! New opportunities! Alas…all four were flops.
Sunday | Date #1 | the fuck-and-leave
I should have known better. I do know better. but I had just spent four days sharing a hotel room with my Mom and I was horny. I had seen this guy several months ago on one dating site and he said he only wanted casual sex. I sent him a note saying I liked his profile but otherwise it was too bad that we weren’t looking for the same thing. He never responded. Then a few weeks ago, on another site, he reached out. His texts were highly sexual right from the start – commenting on the fact that I said I was “insatiable” (which is true but I subsequently changed it because really, they don’t need to know that right off the bat). Shortly afterwards he asked when I could wrap my longs legs around him. He says he likes super dirty “porn-like” sex.
We bandied about with what we each were looking for. He said he was aligned with me. I was pretty sure he was bullshitting but did I mention I was horny? We meet at a pub near my house. We share a drink and nachos. He’s a sound editor. Or maybe he was the lighting editor. I forget. I take him back to my place. I don’t even get a sip of the drink I poured before he comes up behind me and starts grinding himself into my ass. He’s not kissing me on the back of my neck or anything…and I can’t help thinking I feel a bit like a fire hydrant and he’s a horny dog. It’s kinda weird and not a turn on at all. But I try to get into it.
I take him upstairs and think – alright let’s get to porn-like sex!!! FAIL. It’s okay…he’s not nearly as well endowed as he implied. But other than a series of smacks on the ass and a random “do you like my big cock”….that’s all I got. The moment we were finished he went to get his underwear. I think…really? One round? Where is the promised insatiable libido?
One round was it. But he did get me off again with his fingers. He was at least good at that. No text messages afterward… I texted him “so what is your verdict” and never heard anything back. I knew I wouldn’t. I think he wasn’t that into me but decided he wanted to fuck anyway. Although I’m peeved at that, I suppose it’s not so different from my reaction either.
Tuesday | Date #2 | the Hot. Black. Actor
Alright…this guy was super tall and super hot and I’m super bummed we didn’t sleep together. Just for the experience. He had reached out to me a month ago online and for lots of reasons (basically travel, busy with other men) we didn’t get around to talking. He didn’t want to email, just talk on the phone. I did finally call him and we talked for about 10 minutes and he said he had to go and he would call me back the next night. He never did. So I waited a week and sent a note that said I was sorry but I guess I missed my window of opportunity. He said:
Hi. Sorry!I was going to call, but was not sure I want to start something with a
Person who is to busy to be in a relationship.
I figured if you were serious. We would have spoken sooner. I keep hearing “for the right person I would make time” Here is my number
I am around after 8pm tonight if you wanna call.
This seems a bit weird to me but okay… so we do talk, and it’s great. And then we are trying to find a time to meet. He’s an actor and divorced but no kids so he has lots of time during the day but right now is on set in the evenings. One day we are texting and he says he’s coming to the area near where I work so I suggest – since I’m light on meetings that afternoon – we could meet for a coffee.
We meet for coffee. Actually he drinks nothing and I have a tea because I have a cold that just won’t quit. He’s the one that asks me all kinds of specific questions about my ex and why we split and the kinds of things he used to say to me. I’m a bit uncomfortable. But I like that he challenges me a bit and the things I say – doesn’t just agree with me – and he’s passionate about his work and obviously has his shit together.
But it doesn’t go anywhere. Although he keeps texting me, he doesn’t ask me out again. I finally suggest that we set a date and I say I’m free one week later (e.g., tomorrow night). He is irritated and asks me if I always have to plan so far in advance. WTF? Is a week actually that far in advance? I suggest that perhaps we can have drinks the night I get home from a short trip away with my son, after he goes to bed. He says maybe and he will let me know. I never hear from him that night. So our final text history goes as follows:
- me: Well [hot black actor] – I presume from your silence you decided you aren’t interested. Certainly if it’s due to a lack of chemistry, then I understand – it just is what it is. But if its because you assume I am not serious and am just looking for a “filler”, as you put it…you should know you have made a mistake. I’m sure there is no changing your mind but honestly, I wish you would have given me a chance. All the best.
- him: Good morning! I was busy all night. But to be honest, I been down this road before and I choose not to do it again and again. So I am planning on dating someone with out kids. All the best to you too
- me: Well I could joke that you’ve never met anyone as awesome as me, so you haven’t been down *this* road before 🙂 . Reality is that yes, having a child does mean less time to spend with you. Can’t change that.
I feel like I’m maturing in the final texts I choose to send.
Wednesday | Date #3 | the nerd
I wanted this date to be over in 5 minutes. I made a resolution two weeks ago that my first dates would now be coffee or after work drinks Because I’m less temped to do what I did in #1 above. In other words, if I’m bored and horny – unless the guy is really revolting – I’m going to have sex with him. I wish it wasn’t the case. But I can generally find the good in anyone so I just know it’s going to happen. So coffee or after work stops that from happening. In theory, I suppose, coffee is even better because I can always fake a work emergency and get out of there fast. Alas, not here. He was a lighting guy. Tall and not bad looking. Nerdy and nervous – which in and of itself is not terrible – but I just knew there was no chemistry. It didn’t help that the place he wanted to take me to ended up having a private party that night so we had to schlep through the cold to find another place. I stuck with it, we had our drinks, he paid, and I went home.He’s texted me a couple of times but they have been total pansy texts. Nothing like “you are awesome and when can I see you again”. I was polite and expecting to need to say “thanks but no thanks”…but he just every once in a while asks me something random.
Thursday | Date #4 | mr bland
It’s mean to say he was bland…but he was kinda like oatmeal. We planned to have after-work drinks (per resolution above). I chose the place which was a wine bar close to my office. It’s pretty happening on a Thursday night. I ended up needing to have a chat with a colleague (actually the guy I wrote about here: My Open Marriage & Unused Hall Pass) and he suggested over a drink. I tell him he needs to be out of there at 4:45pm because I have a date. So what does he do? Invite another friend along – someone who I also know. Right, and his 19-year-old kid is also there so here I am, having drinks with three guys. Right on time, Mr Bland shows up…of course there is no way my friends are leaving before they see him. All the one says to me is “Ann…he’s in a HOODIE”. Fuck.
Well, he is in the film business. He’s a very successful digital colorist. I’m in a smokin’ hot business suit. Oh well. For me, it was less about the hoodie and more about the fact that there was NO SPARK WHATSOEVER. He looked like a bad version of his photos. As my friend said to me afterwards – there was no sexual energy about this guy (yes, my friend and I now have the best conversations ever…). We apparently are a super match. Not so much. His work his interesting and via text he’s funny and he’s a cool dude for sure. But someone I could only ever be a friend with. So…after the hug goodbye, the next day after a couple of texts:
- him: So whattaya think. Should we go out again?
- me: Hey [mr bland]. Sorry for delay am away for the weekend with my son. I definitely enjoyed meeting you and our talk – however to be perfectly honest I didn’t feel there was a lot of physical chemistry between us. I would definitely challenge you to a “wing off” but it would be just as friends… I hope you understand but I don’t want to lead you on.
- him: Thanks for your honesty.
- me [thinking maybe he’d say something else…]: You are welcome. I always want honesty so figure I should practice what I preach. I do think you are super cool.
Nope. That was that. And such is the long and sadly, not sordid at all, tale of my film festival last week.