I almost feel worse since I sent that email yesterday to a guy who I’ve dubbed “the model”. Yesterday morning I felt all brave and “go fuck yourself if you don’t adore me” and all that. I sent a follow-up email late afternoon saying (weakness alert!!) that I at least wanted to know he’d read the note. And then our email exchange went like this:
- Him: Read it and was thinking of a way to respond.
- Me: With honesty? Of course I wish you’d tell me I’m crazy but I guess if you think that you probably wouldn’t respond anyway 🙂
- Him: I am not here to decide anything for you darling. You have it set in ur mind the way you want things and and I’m not here to change you.
Now this really irritated me. First because he called me darling and seriously, a guy who I’m sure is not that into me should not call me darling. And I had said in my first email (at least I thought it was clear) that if he really wanted me he should tell me. So I could only conclude that since he didn’t respond with that, that this was a bunch of bullshit. But then at the same time, I wrote a strong email and perhaps he’s mature and saying okay, have it your way, sayonara. Which for some reason even irritated me more. So, unable to stop, I sent another note and we had the following exchange:
- Me: I’m not asking you to decide anything for me nor change me. I was simply hoping you would prove me wrong when it came to how you feel about me.
- Him: U r playing a game here. We click when communicating. Think it’s time to just move on. Good luck.
- Me: I’m not playing a game. Are you thinking that I put that out there to get some different response from you? Try to change you? Sure of course on some level why would I not want to hear “oh baby you’ve got it wrong I think you are awesome I just was waiting to confirm the 15th etc etc”. I was being very honest about what I need and the impression I’m getting from you. And I don’t want to go through each day frustrated and feeling like someone’s feeling aren’t mutual. So I wish dearly that I am wrong about how you feel and if my needs and expectations are too much then of course moving on is the right course of action. And yes I suppose it’s weird to say I won’t email u back but here I am…but I like closure I guess. Knowing truthfully what the deal really is. Sorry if that came across as a game.
Now I wonder whether it is game playing…although I don’t think about it that way. Maybe I’m more fucked up than I realize. My Mom and her best friend both told me last night that nothing has changed in the dating world when it comes to a man’s willingness to tell you he’s just not that into you. They still won’t do it. I know I should trust my gut. This guy would be online on the dating site we are both on and know I was there and not instant message me. But we had an awesome, time-just-flew two-hour phone conversation. But then he asked for dates we could see each other and never responded. Now I feel foolish and needy.
Is it a lie that women tell ourselves that men don’t like intensity and emotion, strong women who say what they want – and that’s what pushes them away when there is any sign of those things? Or is that something I just need to believe because the alternate is that I do play games and don’t know what I want and come on to strong and push people away because I’m needy? I put this question out there and would sincerely love to hear anyone’s thoughts on the matter.