I think it’s a sign when your husband tells you he doesn’t mind if you sleep with other men if it will satisfy you and make you happier. On the condition that he doesn’t know about it ever and he doesn’t see or feel anything different in our relationship.
This is announced to me one day after watching the movie “Hall Pass”.
It takes me several months to believe that he’s telling me the truth…we have many conversations about this in different ways…I triangulate his responses to see if he changes them. He doesn’t. And it takes a while to get my head around whether that will work for me. Being essentially sexless for so long…how can I make it work? How can I get over my belief that sex outside a marriage is wrong?
I tell him that I don’t feel the same way and in classic husband style he says “I’m going to do whatever I want anyway and if you don’t know any better, why does it matter?”
He does have a point. I ponder this for a long time and remember that our belief system in North America is in the minority. My friends from Europe see affairs as healthy and they aren’t intended to break up marriages. Hmm.
Once I realize he’s serious, and I get over my initial reservations, then I think it’s sad when I have a hall pass and it goes unused. For months. Nobody seems to want my hall pass and I don’t find anyone all that interesting to use it with.
Then there is one guy from work, a contractor who I meet, and we go out after work and I meet his friends and we have great conversations and lots of drinks and there is definitely an intellectual affair going on. He shares that he has had affairs before and he’s not interested again because of how complicated it can be. Of course being new to all this it makes no sense and I can’t understand why I can’t use my hall pass on him. And I realize that this kind of affair for my husband is probably worse than the sexual kind because we are talking about life and work and love and travel and all those things that my husband and I have.
So I’m resigned to having an open marriage and not taking advantage of it. One night though this colleague and I are out for dinner and I guess he just decides just once he needs to see what I’m like. We go to a public park (A PUBLIC PARK…WHAT AM I, 16?) and we make out for what feels like forever and lay down in the grass and he puts his fingers up my skirt and I have the first orgasm I’ve had in months…he’s very pleased with himself. He’s very good with his hands. I return the favor but discover in the process that this huge guy, this tall with big hands guy, has the smallest penis maybe I’ve ever seen. Sigh.
So I realize that I’m not really missing out and I’m okay with the fact that we aren’t going to have sex.
But just like when you are at a party and you go pee after many drinks…he’s broken the seal and I start to realize what I’m missing. And I really miss it. A lot.