What I think about when waiting for a lover.

On my stereo: Little Fluffy Clouds by The Orb. A trippy song I used to listen to in college. Next is Cat Power’s version of Dark End of the Street. It’s an odd mix on my phone tonight.

I’m waiting for Lewis. He was supposed to be here now but texted to say he’d be a half an hour late; his work event keeping him longer than he thought. 

Sitting at my kitchen island, I’m drinking Chardonnay while unsuccessfully trying to decimate the fruit fly population. The little fuckers must have an hour long incubation period. 

It’s late but the work emails are still trickling in; they never stop.

(Badtameez Dil from Yeh Jawaaani Hai Deewani)

I’ve been thinking about writing for the last hour but the words are all stuck in my head. Nothing has taken form enough to craft sentences and paragraphs and coherent threads. 

My darling wise friend Hyacinth and I spoke yesterday on the phone – she could feel my ennui through my texts and picked up the phone to reach out – and she gave me a good talking to. I love my friends who call me on my bullshit at the same time as making me feel good about myself. It’s an art, truly.

(Can’t Help Falling in Love by Haley Reinhart – which Fox still regrets not dancing with me to, one night when it played in my living room)

I can’t get Kyle out of my head and it’s exceedingly annoying. I haven’t heard from him since his petulant response almost two weeks ago. But what Hy rightly challenged me on is something I don’t know if I mentioned in my post – after standing up for myself via text, I followed it up with an apology if what I said sounded harsh. I could feel her reach through the phone to smack me upside my head.

(Space Captain by Joe Cocker – oh and if you haven’t seen 20 Feet From Stardom, you should)

“Ann, WHY do you feel the need to do that? Why be afraid of standing up for yourself? His behaviour was SHITTY. You don’t need to take that crap and it’s perfectly fine to say what you said.”

She had a point. She always does. 

So I’m thinking about that. I am not afraid of my opinions at work – I’m a kick ass leader of sometimes thousands of people. I speak my mind. I’m paid to be bold and contrary if necessary. I don’t get angry – it’s not usually an appropriate work response – but people know when I’m unhappy. 

(Purple Rain by Prince)

It took me a long time to get to that place where I was confident with these things at work. I know I’ve written a post about being ostracized as a tween and I will find the link when I can. It affected me deeply. 

(Back in Black by AC/DC)

Tony’s called. Be right back.

::

He’s a smart man…he knows not to ask too many questions, and I’m deliberately vague. It’s his style; he should be familiar with it. 

Okay, so I’m thinking about why in my romantic life (not even my personal life – I’m good at talking about things with my friends and family) I’m so goddamn afraid to be angry. Specifically, when I’m afraid of losing someone, why do I worry if I stand up for myself they will flee.

Maybe because they usually do.

(Coming Home by Leon Bridges)

I’m thinking about whether Clark is going to follow through on our plans tomorrow night. 

I’m wondering whether I’m ever going to lose more weight. Cutting down on the Chardonnay would help.

I’m processing the big fight I had with my ex earlier in the week. He’s demanded I remove my son’s pictures from Facebook (even though everything is private) or he will take me to court. 

I’m feeling a bit sorry for myself that I haven’t seen some of my closest girlfriends recently. And my birthday is coming up and nobody is banging down my door to celebrate with me. There are certain times I miss having a partner, and birthdays are one of them. 

(Do You Love Me by The Contours)

I wonder whether I should make a new list. Of courses I want to take and things I want to do in the next year. No, not to find a man, but just to keep my personal development going. Tango is high on the list. I know there are others. 

(Kiddio by Brook Benton)

Lewis is here; gotta go. Hopefully the thoughts will coalesce one of these days and I can give you more than a random list of thoughts and songs. xoxo

Something feels different.

While I’ve gone through different cycles in dating the past three years – the ebb and flow of excitement and frustration – there’s something inside of me that’s changed.
It’s not just because my dance card is relatively full with casual sex opportunities – while Drew has fallen off the card, there’s still Lewis, and Jake, and presumably Clark although I haven’t heard from him in a couple of weeks. There’s a guy pursuing me again who I saw twice a couple of years ago and things just faded away. There’s another guy who will likely amount to nothing but who popped up again recently.

I’ve been in that situation before, and still felt a yearning to seek a more meaningful relationship, so it’s not that. Continue reading

Oh Drew, the truth isn’t much better.

I haven’t written about Drew much because I haven’t seen him much. After our hot couch session, almost three weeks went by before I saw him again. He kept up a decent communication pace with me, checking in most days. But he is in a similar industry to Tony and therefore, rarely knows his schedule in advance. It’s frustrating but at least I understand it.

One day we were texting back and forth – the same weekend I was preparing myself for Kyle’s penultimate cancellation – and talking about some tentative plans to see a sports event. I told him while I didn’t expect him to sleep over if he was uncomfortable, he was more than welcome. It would mean he didn’t have to drive an hour home that night, or try to arrange something with a friend.

He said thank you, and followed with “you and I both know what this is.” Continue reading

Kyle says sorry not sorry.

Previous Post

As I wrapped up my blog post, my phone pinged with Kyle’s ring tone – he said “be there in 10 minutes”. Geez, really?

I decided to not change out of my pyjamas, I didn’t want to make any more effort.

He knocked on my door about 20 minutes later – 90 minutes after he was supposed to show up – and I said “hey sorry for being in my pyjamas but I figured you weren’t showing up when I didn’t hear from you.” Continue reading

Kyle needs to talk.

Previous Post

I’d had a lot of time over the last few months to try to figure out, without overanalyzing, what the fuck Kyle’s deal was. I didn’t doubt his interest in me – he had the intention to see me / date me – however in practice it completely fell down.

Bottom line, dating me was not a priority. I would have bet he wasn’t dating others, so I didn’t get the sense he had other women that came first. Of course, being the last wife in the harem holds no appeal to me. It was harder to accept that even if I was the only one he was interested in, his behavior was still uncool. Continue reading

The elusive creature named Kyle

I think this might be a record for slowest relationship start – scratch that, since I don’t know if this is the start of anything whatsoever. The magic 8 ball aka my Mother says yes but this has not been an auspicious start.

This is the longest it’s taken me to have four dates with anyone. I don’t count Jake since we stopped after the first.

Dates isn’t even a great term. The first meeting was a pre clearance date. Then a dinner date, then a spontaneous late night discussion on my couch, and most recently, another couch conversation in lieu of what was supposed to be a date.

Three months from our first contact.  Continue reading

A small-town hookup.

I was away for work for one night. A town I couldn’t get to on a direct flight, so I suffered annoying airport layovers and airplanes so tiny the smallest of carry on bags won’t fit.

Two days of travel for a few hour event; just for me to shake hands and congratulate team members and say thank you. Drink some wine and eat appetizers. I didn’t have Liam and was happy to do it. It’s a seaside town which I love.

I arrived without incident.

As I pulled the rental car into the valet parking for the hotel, I noticed a very cute, very young valet. He came over to retrieve my cars keys, and recited his script of “where are you joining us from today?” Continue reading

Why is there no middle ground?

I’ve been rather introspective lately. Analysis comes naturally anyway; but I’m at the three-year anniversary of the ending of my marriage, and these things invite even deeper thoughts.

I have had no interest in being a single hero. I make no claims about how happy I am without a partner in my life. My Instagram isn’t filled with girl power memes and lists of the things that make being single awesome. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Don’t misunderstand; being with the wrong person isn’t worth it. I’m confident in who I am and the value I provide, and having a man in my life doesn’t make me feel better about myself. I don’t need to be rescued and I don’t need someone to handle the repairs in my house.

But having a grown up person to share my life with (distinguishing between my child who is the physical embodiment of my heart, outside my body) makes many things better.

Continue reading

A little quiet time

The sound of silence. Kinda.

I deleted my dating profiles last week – maybe the week before – and so far I don’t miss them. I’ve had a few moments where I considered reopening them, wondering if my soul mate is one right swipe away, but they remain deleted.

I have also quite liked not being able to check the locations of anyone I’ve connected with. It brings no good to know these things. I unfriended Kyle on Facebook, with strong encouragement from Hy, and that’s been fine too. There was nothing in his profile of any interest, but the moment he posted something I could possibly interpret as bad for me, I would wish to not have seen it.

He hasn’t mentioned it; I doubt he’s noticed. I almost followed Drew on Instagram but resisted.  Continue reading

Goodbye and Closure?

A final goodbye?

Tara suggested my last post sounded like closure with Tony. I hadn’t thought about it until that moment, and have been reflecting on it since.

I suppose I had always defined goodbye as something truly final – but it’s more nuanced than that. For now, I’m not going to cut off contact. I’m not blocking and deleting him (the latter having no impact anyway since his number has been memorized for a long time); there’s no point. However, with each discussion I am further disconnected emotionally.

Wait, that’s not quite right either. Continue reading