Alan, Lewis, Clark, Todd, plus one.

I’ve had a busy week. I’m writing this on a plane, having had just 4 hours of sleep last night, but boy was it worth it.

My life is normal to me, because it’s mine. But sometimes I see myself through the eyes of others, and I think – whoa. I have been in the arms of five different men in the last 7 days. None were new to me. Two were at the same time. One I didn’t have penetrative sex with. But still.

You know what? It was awesome.

I saw Alan and it felt like a repeat of earlier dates. Nothing new to discuss.

But Lewis and Clark both came over during the week and sweet holy heck was it amazing. Sometimes threesomes can be repetitive – being “spit roasted” (sucking one while fucking the other) and literally just switching from one end of the bed to the other. Continue reading

Alan is still in the picture.

It may have sounded from my last post that I’d fired all the men in my life. Not true.

While I’m not overwhelmingly excited about anything at the moment, those I’m still engaging with do provide some pleasure. And some is better than none, right?

I haven’t seen Leo since the date I wrote about. Partly because of bad timing on both our parts, but also because he doesn’t take priority. He’s lovely, and patient. I don’t want to take advantage of that. But I saw other lovers the last week I was free. The next week I’m free I’m seeing Alan one night, girlfriends the next, Clark the night after, and then I’m away on business, returning the day I get my child again for the week.

It’s easy to not stress about dating when I have a few nights alone which I welcome, a busy social calendar with friends and family, a couple of casual lovers, and a couple of romantic men willing to take whatever spare time I have. Right now I need alone time more than another date. Continue reading

It physically hurts.

Most days it’s fine. 

Work is intellectually demanding and I’m in a room with others almost constantly. I’m colleague wrangling. Thankfully, my brain is busy during the day.

I try to focus on the kid when I’m with him. That helps many nights.

I am able to be present with friends, and when I’m on a date.

But then, when I’m alone, or on my way to work, or just because – the emotional equivalent of a lightning bolt strikes. I know it’s not physical pain but I feel it. My chest constricts, it’s hard to breathe, I can’t think of anything else. 

Fuck, I miss him.

Just not feeling it.

I’m hard pressed to think any man could get my emotional fires burning right now.

Not even Kyle, who I am trying to exorcise but who still surfaces in my thoughts on a regular basis. 

Not even Tony, in the never-going-to-happen scenario of his coming to me, divorce papers in hand. 

So certainly not Alan or Leo, who are lovely and kind and persistent but not annoyingly so. Alan heard me loud and clear when I told him I need to go slow and I asn’t ready to be exclusive. He still sends long texts about how he’s going to persist and “wear me down”. Could be creepy in another context but so far it hasn’t weirded me out – too much.

I can’t even work up that much excitement about going to New York City in a few weeks. I’m going to see some friends who I hold dear, and Todd is taking me out dancing in Harlem; exactly the experience I’ve asked for. A dark, grinding, sexy dance floor experience.

Okay, maybe that gets me a little excited.

But I simply can’t find the energy to get worked up about any men in my life these days. It’s not them; it’s me. 

I have cultivated the “I don’t give a shit” attitude I craved a couple of years ago. Don’t text me for 24 hours? It may cross my mind, but even if it does, I don’t care. In some ways I’m relieved to not have to engage, to put an effort in, to pretend to care.

When I got a “confession: I’m getting excited” text from Todd, something which normally would prompt those little butterflies to dance in my gut, my reaction was 10% of that.

It’s been building for a while, this state of being. February; my experience with HWSNBN and his abuse. Hy reminded me it wouldn’t have mattered how fast or slow I went; he was crazy. But I have a hard time separating those facts.

Coming back to dating after a couple of months just to experience the bullshit of a few. 

And then, of course, the long goodbye with Tony.

My heart and my mind are exhausted. 

My Mom says I’m vulnerable to letting Tony back in (clearly: I’ve never tried to argue anything different) or to letting Alan wear me down. The former is more likely than the latter. I am not going to say yes to exclusivity or being a girlfriend if I’m not feeling it. I will not do it just because it seems like the polite or right thing to do. I’ve done it before; it doesn’t end well for me.

And while I don’t think I will let Tony back in like I have in the past, I know it would be hard to resist seeing him if he came asking.

I do know, no question, that seeing him once is not the same as letting the floodgates open. (And no, I’m not opening that mental door or preparing y’all for some subsequent post).

I don’t feel empty – in contrast, I feel rather full. Full of work insanity and time with the kid and being there for my friends in crisis. Full of time to write, and time to read the backlog of magazines on my coffee table, and time to watch the first season of “The Crown” on Netflix. Full of sessions with my personal trainer and purging my closets of things I don’t need. I don’t have enough time to see all my friends, so I’m hardly worried about becoming a crazy cat lady.

I have reached peak chill while at the same time feel profound sadness in my heart. I guess that’s what heartbreak does. I can’t fuck it away or date it away. I’m not trying to, although I appreciate those moments with Lewis when I can think of nothing and am lost in the feeling of my body heave and shudder and give in to his poundings. 

I am not dead inside; there are fires burning away. I’m passionate about work and laugh with the kid and cry with my friends. Alan makes me feel nice. He’s been sweet and sexy and I have no reason to stop seeing him. Leo and I haven’t see each other since he asked about my being his girlfriend. I told him I wasn’t in a great place to be practically or emotionally available – and he said he would be patient and available when I was. 

It’s a sweet sentiment. I have no idea how long he will be waiting.

An uncomfortable conversation with Alan.

I will apologize again for my current need to write – and edit – posts on my phone. The app does a shit job of linking to past posts (so I don’t bother), I can’t see the flow of the post, it takes forever to write, etc.

Normally I go back a few days later to clean things up; I just haven’t had the chance yet. My home computer decided it was tired of connecting to the internet.

On to Alan. Continue reading

Broke the silence & an uncomfortable conversation

Once my home computer’s ability to connect to the internet again I will reset my Tony timer. I could make an intellectual argument about intent and therefore it shouldn’t count blah blah, but why bother.

I was texting with Hy and mentioned ruminating about asking him to block me on Instagram – his account and Mary’s, if he could.

She said “just text him RIGHT NOW and ask”. Knowing he’d promised I would be unblocked, but that she could see his phone, I wanted to send a very neutral message. I simply said “I need a favor; can you let me know when you have a free minute. I will be available after 6pm.” I was heading to a session with my personal trainer and I didn’t want to talk myself back out of it.

Why did I ask? Continue reading

Not looking for a relationship, but will make an exception for the right person.

How often have you seen that statement in an online dating profile? Do you tell yourself you’ll make an exception for the right person, should they come along? That you only want casual encounters but are open to something more if you meet someone worthwhile, or the one?

If I think of my own history, the men I’ve dated while I was clearly (now) not emotionally available for a relationship – Johnny Id, Fox, HWSNBN, most significantly – they weren’t the right men for me anyway.

Or were they? Continue reading

There’s something going around.

Several years ago, when I was still married, my Mom told me she was concerned I didn’t have a close-knit group of women in my life whom I could count on to be there for me no matter what.

Of course I argued with her, saying I had a couple of close friends who fell into that category.

But of course, there was real truth to her observation. One of my goals since becoming single was to build back up the friend relationships I had let go during my marriage, and build new connections as well. Freed from the restrictions of a judgey spouse who didn’t want to “take new friend applications” (yes, he said that), I could meet new people I like and invite them for dinner. I could spend quality time with existing friends and deepen or connection.

I’m rather proud of myself for doing just that.  Continue reading

Alan breaks the 5-minute barrier by a long shot

While I’m doing a great job not getting ahead of myself with Alan – or writing him off too fast – I will admit I was a wee bit worried sex with him was going to be unsatisfying.

While I’m hardly the model of athleticism (despite some new muscles gained from 6 months of twice-weekly visits to my trainer) I can fuck like a demon. I can only think of a few men who made me beg for no more sex. And that includes a fair number much younger than I.

If sex had prizes, I’m told I would win “best rider” and “most insatiable”. I have no idea whether the men who said it were genuine, and I don’t particularly care. I mention it only to demonstrate that despite any extra padding around my middle and my ass, I’m a champion fucker. Continue reading

A social media and texting detox.

I’m not really going to stop using social media or texting, but the aftermath of the “Tony picture” incident makes me think I should make some changes.

Because we are all friends here, I will admit to looking at a few people’s Instagram feeds every day. There is Kyle (yes, still) – who I texted a while ago after (surprise!) another near-miss date, telling him I was going to go silent for a while and perhaps reach out near the December holidays. Kyle and I still follow each other on Instagram; he posts very rarely and it’s usually non-threatening (sports, a trip with his Mom, his son).

I’ve gotten better about looking at the IG “following” feed and seeing who’s stuff he’s liked or who he’s following. It’s goddamned pointless and gets me nothing except curiosity at best and hurt at worst. Continue reading