Period sex, exclusivity, and a boyfriend.

I’m writing this on my phone, on the beach on the sun, whilst Leo is playing beach volleyball 100 metres  away. Apologies for any mistakes…I will fix them when I’m at my computer again. 

We are on Day 3 of 5. It’s been very nice so far.

My body failed me and decided to start my period the first day of our trip. I knew there would be some overlap but was expecting it to be wrapping up by the start. Leo said he didn’t care, thank goodness. But menstrual cramps and having to jump to the bathroom to take out a tampon as a man starts to put his hands down your pants is super annoying.

Shortly after getting our room the afternoon of Day 1, we got messy. REALLY messy. Leo fisted and fucked me and made me squirt. There was a large puddle of blood and wetness and bloody handprints on the sheets and pillows. When we later discovered the maids changed the sheets during the turn-down service I commented we should make sure to leave a big tip.

Laying in bed one night I asked Leo the question I’d been putting off – why hadn’t he asked about exclusivity. He looked puzzled for a moment and I filled in “or was it because you thought we already were?” And he said “yeah”.

He said he knew I wasn’t dating anyone else and neither was he. I was waiting for him to ask for confirmation, but he didn’t. It’s a true statement I haven’t been dating anyone else, but I have fucked a couple of guys. Nobody new, if that matters. 

He didn’t ask, and I didn’t volunteer.

I said “so does that mean you’re my boyfriend?” Yup. And although he hasn’t referred to me as his girlfriend to anyone, he thinks of me as such.

It’s a nice thing, to not have to fight for this and to not worry. But neither am I over the moon… and clearly I need to figure out why. I suspect it has to do with Tony and continuing to let him go. Maybe not. But at the moment we are going to go make out in the ocean and perhaps I won’t think about it for a few minutes at least.

Wondering is worse.

I blocked Tony last night. 

Originally I wasn’t going to. He’d  promised to be in touch shortly after our last conversation “next week I will come see you; I will figure it out”. I knew it was unlikely he’d be in touch exactly when he said, but I wanted the opportunity to explain I couldn’t be his friend because despite everything, I’m still in love with him.

But he didn’t call. It’s almost two weeks later. I’ve learned he experiences time differently than I; my days tend to be packed full of life and therefore two weeks seems like forever. He isn’t on any jobs right now and his days just blend one into another. I often have to look at my calendar to remind myself not as much time has passed as I think.

I knew he would get in touch at some point and expected it would be this week.

It wasn’t.

I am reconciled to the fact he can’t be in my life. I tried minimal contact and a) it didn’t stay that way, and b) we couldn’t stay platonic. I don’t know if the love will ever go away. I don’t know if it will ever fade enough that we could be the kinds of friends who talk a few times a year.

But none of that matters. What matters is now, and right now I don’t want to do it.

Normally I would write an email or call and tell him what I need to say. But he begged me to not contact him by any method.

In the absence of having that conversation, I don’t have the closure I thought I needed. So I found myself thinking of him every single day, multiple times a day, wondering if I was going to hear from him. I hated that he was on my mind. 

I moved a cactus he gave me to a place I didn’t see it all the time. I sent a t-shirt he left for me back to him in the mail, with no note. I removed our text history from my phone and iPad (after saving it to my computer – it’s 675 pages of texts!). I was trying to reduce the number of daily reminders.

It wasn’t enough.

So last night I blocked him. I’d been texting with Madeline and she asked about Leo and whether I’d blocked Tony. I told her how frustrating it was to wonder – worse than just getting it over with – and I decided the last thing I wanted was for Tony to surface while I’m on a beach with Leo.

So while I had the balls to do it, I blocked him. 

I immediately felt better.

I might unblock him when I’m back. I might not. It doesn’t sit well for me to not tell him why I can’t be friends. But I may just have to get over it.

Leo and I are going places.

The only thing I’m going to say about Tony is I haven’t heard from him, and it’s okay.

Leo has been a consistent presence since I broke my leg mid-December. He is mercifully drama-free. My only emotional hiccup so far was feeling somewhat bereft of attention last month, which led to nothing more than some flirty texts and a single romp in my bed with Clark.

No, Leo and I haven’t had an exclusivity discussion. I’ve been putting it off, and he seems perfectly content.

Leo is experiencing a perfect storm of crap with work, family, and friends. I’m gradually getting back to work in person (I’ve been working the whole time since my injury, but from home). All which has conspired against us seeing us as much as we did in January and February.

A few nights ago I tried to have some flirtatious banter with him over text. The short version of the story is it didn’t work. I wasn’t pleased. I spent time thinking about Love Languages and reminded myself he shows his feelings for me in other ways.

But it didn’t sit well. If I’m not going to see someone regularly, I need to keep the fire of desire stoked between visits. 

In a subsequent conversation, I decided to probe. I said “so I guess you aren’t into flirting over text” and he said it wasn’t the case, but he’s been unable to get his head into it given everything going on. I said I understood and left it that. I often think a subtle or gentle approach is a good first step.

The next day he stepped up. He met my request. It wasn’t forced or over the top. And it made me happy that he heard me and was trying. 

I made sure he got lots of positive reinforcement.

::

So, we are going away together. Four nights at a Caribbean all-inclusive, in the adults-only section of the resort.

I had planned to go away in January before my injury. He told me a while back he’d be happy to accompany me. 

We joked the trip will be a relationship accelerant, one way or another. 

I’m looking forward to it. Not just because I really need some time in the sun and ocean, but also because I think it will be an accelerant. While a vacation isn’t real life, I will at least know whether I still like him after four days together. Our general compatibility will be tested.

If it’s good, I’m going to ask him why he hasn’t asked about exclusivity and am willing to give it to him if he wants. And if it’s bad, I’d rather know so we can move on.

We are going places one way or another.

The reason Tony and I can’t be friends.

If you haven’t read about the recent “developments” with Tony, you can start with this post.

I know I’ve said it many times: this blog is extraordinarily helpful for sorting out my crap. I was in a good place with Tony, because I’d blocked him for weeks, successfully. I missed him but it was abstract, and I didn’t feel a pull to reach out or reconnect. When I unblocked him, I experimented with what it was like to be completely reactive – I let him call or text.

It was very minimal contact. It was platonic.

It was a fucking slippery slope.  Continue reading

Welcome to the shit show.

Previous Post

I hated how much the whole thing with Tony consumed my thoughts. Wondering what happened, how she found out, what their decision was (if any), and what was next.

I knew I may never get an answer. I knew the bulk of my interest was intellectual curiosity. Maybe most importantly, I knew that no contact with him was best for me. I wasn’t tortured at the thought of not talking to him regularly.

I was more upset with myself, at the time and emotional effort I’ve spent the last month or two seeing whether I could meet his need for us to remain friends. It wasn’t going to work, I’ve known it for a long time, but I tried anyway.  Continue reading

Tony got BUSTED, part 2

Previous Post

Tony and I have had two short conversations about his again-wife finding out about us (side note: yes, she’s his wife, again. I’m honestly afraid if I just call her his “wife” I’m going to get trolled like crazy, and the truth is they were separated when I met him).

In the first discussion, he told me she’d found out about Jamaica. I was confused because it seemed an odd “discovery” at this time, 14 months ago after we went. I asked how it was possible that us seeing each other after the sports game could possibly have led to that.

He was vague. He said “Ann, I don’t want to relive it again right now. There was a lot of screaming and crying.” Continue reading

Tony got BUSTED

I haven’t been writing much about Tony these last many weeks, mostly because there isn’t much to say. I blocked him for a while to help myself break old patterns, then when I unblocked him he started calling.

I answered the phone when he called, and found our conversations frustrating – not because of anything he did wrong. I couldn’t find a happy medium where I could be his friend in a way meaningful to me. If he told me anything about the crap in his marriage, I would get (internally) frustrated because I thought he should be trying. Conversely, if he said something was going well, it hurt.

And bottom line is, despite all of his failings, he’s doing stuff with his again-wife and child that I wanted the opportunity to do. Continue reading

When insecurity with one drives me to others.

Leo and I have the same top two love languages: Quality Time and Physical Touch. He’s not stingy with either; while busy, he finds time to see me. I don’t have to beg for his time or his attention. When we see each other, he’s affectionate.

He’s just not very… overt with his praise.

I guess it’s been building within me these last couple of weeks. A need to hear how he feels. I know he likes me, but I need to hear an “oh my god you’re so beautiful” when he’s got his hands between my thighs. Or some proactive statement, of my appeal to him, or where he sees us going. Something.

Continue reading

Feeling discomfort in the comfortable

A lovely reader yesterday inquired whether anything bad has happened, as it had been 10 days since I’d posted. The short answer is no, everything is very… stable.

My sex life has been rather quiet – and it’s not a complaint. The very end of November was my last night with Lewis and Clark. I haven’t seen Clark since, and Lewis only once, over a month ago. The first weekend in December was the last time I had sex with Todd. I wrote about Tony on Christmas Eve. I had Jason back in my bed for the first time in a year, over a month ago.

For me, that’s quiet.  Continue reading

I’m popular because I made a f*ck machine

I was playing around with Google Analytics today and doing some blog maintenance. While I knew “making a sex machine” and its derivatives is often one of the top searches that gets people to my blog, I didn’t realize how often.

Over 39,000 times – since I switched to self-hosted last Spring. I know that post gets around 120 hits a day, so seems right.

It’s funny – it drives my site traffic but not engagement. People don’t hang around and read my story – they are looking for instructions.

I re-read the post today and it still makes me giggle. Because really, it’s ridiculous. The box has sat under my bed since the time I tried it. The reciprocating saw hasn’t been used. Somehow I think if I tell Leo, he’ll try it.

Here’s the post link: Making my own f*ck machine.