I’ve been thinking about adding a widget to my blog akin to “X days accident-free” signs found in industrial plants. “24 hours Tony-free” – which I would have to update if I contact him or reply to any outreach.
He doesn’t fully realize the nature of my goodbye. Granted, the last time I said goodbye (May 2015) I lasted a mere few months. I don’t blame him. No matter what I’ve said, he thinks we will be “friends”.
I didn’t think it worth my time or emotional energy to challenge his ridiculous and unrealistic beliefs about what would happen next. When he said we could now have play dates with our children, all I said was “oh and how are you going to explain who I am to Mary?” and he said “I will figure something out.”
I wasn’t as emotional as I thought I would be last week when we had our “big goodbye”. We met mid-afternoon and went to the three-bedroom Air B&B he rented for the night. It had an amazing mountain view. He bought champagne- the good stuff – and I brought a suitcase full of lingerie and toys. The night was amazing.
The next day was very low key; some amazing Lebanese takeout for lunch, hanging out on my couch, an afternoon movie. Dinner was at one of the best restaurants in the city. We were both rather subdued – for him it was his post-Ecstasy use, for me it was processing what was happening.
We didn’t have sex when we got back my place – it was late and we were over stuffed with food. As we fell asleep on my couch together I distinctly recall thinking “well, this is anticlimactic for our last night together”.
He woke me up before 6am and we had lazy yet intense morning sex. I was keenly aware it was last time – for a very very long time if ever – and I didn’t cry. Laying on his chest afterwards I certainly thought about how much I would miss those moments, but I felt no desire to talk about it. I didn’t need to hear anything from him – quite the contrary. His vague promises and comfort words just irritated me.
I told him I would need some time to not talk to him and he said “sure Ann, whatever you need.”
I’ve had moments of intense sadness but work has been more intense, which is a blessing. I had a date Saturday night with a lovely guy who massaged my feet and sent me to bed early. Another said he understood I was busy but didn’t want me to be “the one who got away” from him. I don’t believe my heartbreak from one can heal with another but the distraction helps.
I’m not sure if you believe in the universe giving you signs, but how’s this: Tony and I met on the 22nd of December. It had been 22 months we were together – to the day. I sent him an email to that effect, and he replied that in a 5 minute stop at his apartment that same day, the 22nd, his child broke a small glass sand timer I had bought Tony as a gift.
Our time was literally broken.
I’m listening, universe.
~60 hours and counting.